Eternally Devoted Love

One year blogging anniversary!

2011-10-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that it has been a year since I stopped lurking and started my own blog. What started out as self-discovery and taboo desires have turned into much more then I ever imagined! The communication that Leo and I have with each other now is so much more effective and meaningful. We have gained tools to help move us forward when we are stuck, arguing, emotional, or just need to get over something and move on. Our roles have become more defined and we are very happy and comfortable in the roles we have. Before dd, it was hard to move past certain arguments, because at times we cared more about who was right then what was right for our marriage. We have been able to focus on the big picture and not sweat the small stuff. Not to mention our sex-life has only gotten hotter from our new defined roles!

Leo has been a trooper from the beginning. When I first started researching and reading other people's blogs, I had ideas of how I wanted things to be like. I showed him countless articles and posts and talked, talked talked about what I wanted. The novelty has worn off, and in it's place I have gained a sense of security and fulfilment in how we have defined and incorporated dd in our own marriage. It has become so much more exciting and fulfilling to be accepting and happy with exactly how things are going. I have realized that fantasy and reality are two separate entities, and I don't want fantasy because reality has been so much more fulfilling.
I have had the chance to make new friends and share my experiences with others as well as listen to other women's experiences. This has been priceless because outside of this community I could never imagine sharing such intimacy with the friends I have in my life. I have gained confidence and validation along with hopefully passing on validation to others as well. I feel more secure and accepting of our lifestyle and no longer feel the need to constantly pick it apart or try to shove it into our marriage the way I see fit. I guess I have become more submissive! (I bet Leo would argue that somewhat :-)
I have learned to go with the flow more and I absolutely love how our marriage works!
I love and respect my husband with all my heart and I am so grateful that I let my walls down and gave myself to him on every level.

I may not post as often as I would like, and I have struggled with that. I have come to the realization that I need to take the pressure off of myself and write when I can. I am really going to try to become more active in blog land, but sometimes the reality of a teaching job, my family and every other commitment that I have take over. I think I am okay with letting myself off the hook and not feeling guilty. I think my writer's block came from the fact that I felt so guilty that I have been reaping the benefits of such a wonderful new way of life and not being able to share it the way I wanted to. I am going to try to let go of that and see if that will take the pressure of blogging.
I am very grateful that I have taken chances and that my husband has been on board with me every step of the way. I know that through the ups and downs we will be able to get through anything!

"Trying to get back into blogging....Neme"

2011-08-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I have "writer's block" or have just been "unmotivated" lately with blogging, but I saw this last week on many of the blogs and thought that maybe this would be a good way to give it a try again. I really miss sharing my experiences with ttwd! Leo has been very patient, but at the same time anxious that I post again. So, here it goes...

What is your screen name?       Judy

How long have you been practicing TTWD?        a year and a half

What is your astrological sign?            Libra

In what part of the country do you live?           Midwest

Do you have children?            Two boys

Do you have grandchildren?        No

What is your favorite color?      To wear: blues, greens and black. To decorate: greens and rustic earth tones.

What is your favorite day of the week?      Any day I have with my family.

Morning or Evening?          Evening

Favorite TV Show?      I was a huge LOST fan, trying to get into Mad Men, Extreme Couponing,

Favorite pro sport?         Hockey

Favorite Ice Cream?       Coffee

Person from Blogland you'd like to meet?    I was fortunate to meet a few :-) I'd love to meet Rogue, Stormy, Tammy, Mick and Sara....and pretty much everybody! I think it's pretty interesting to put a "face" to the blog. :-)

First person who welcomed you to blogging?        Mick and Tammy

Title of your first blog entry?        The beginning

What are you wearing on your feet right now?    barefoot!

What are you listening to right now?      My baby and his musicbox

Chocolate or Vanilla?          Dark Chocolate

Coffee or Tea?         Coffee and Tea!

Favorite non-alcoholic drink?       Coke Zero

Favorite alcoholic drink?           Pinot Noir and pretty much any red wine!

Favorite vacation spot?          anywhere "all inclusive" on the beach!

Favorite Holiday?          4th of July

Favorite season?           Spring, Summer and Fall

Place you want to visit?        The Mediterranean

If you had to start all over again, would you still choose TTWD?      Yes, couldn't imagine keeping that a secret forever!

Best piece of advice you can pass on about TTWD?    It's so different for every couple. Be careful not to have unrealistic expectations and try not to compare yourselves to others in blogland. :-)

Quick update (Leo)

2011-06-28T08:59:00.001-07:00

Hello, everybody!!! I hope we are still on the blogosphere’s radar even though we have not had a new post in months. Life happens, and happens and happens. We were very fortunate to kick off our summer months with a visit from our fellow bloggers and it was definitely a dinner to remember. Judy and I have had a really tough couple of months, but fortunately we had a chance to catch our breath, reconnect and re-spank. I love Judy, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We had a specially memorable session over the weekend. It was the rare occasion we didn’t have the kids, our families don’t seem too enthusiastic about keeping our kids overnight to give us a break, so it was a real treat to be in the house with Judy all by ourselves. It had been some time since we had a good session. Our roles had been diluted by the infinite little issues of everyday life. There had been moments when being a parent had overtaken being an HOH, and we were starting to feel it. Judy really needs the reassurance of having me be there for her. When she doesn’t get any attention, she damn sure makes I notice it. She gets a little bit sassier and smart alicky when she talks back to me. I generally don’t mind a little playful banter, but it was starting to get bad. So that night, we crawled in bed, had some fun and as I looked into her beautiful green eyes, I caught a glimpse into what it is that makes us so perfect for each other. There it was, that spark, that connection that beautiful relationship we’ve had from the beginning, that ability to feel great just because she’s with me. Gone was the craziness of everyday life, the time constraints, the overloads at work, the tornado, the house and the mortgage. I was there for her, and she was there for me. I could feel the heat from her pink slapped butt as I held her tight next to me. She fell asleep, my hand was sore. We were back to our old selves. In our next episode, Leo and Judy finally give in and buy a minivan, feel really dorky about it, and then realize lots of space = plenty of room for DD escapades!

A Spanking and a Glass of Wine

2011-03-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

During the past four days I have been spanked four times. This may break the record. Some of it was for maintenance, some of the reasons had to do with respect, coming to bed too late, leaving jewelry all around the house, and leaving the lights on all over the house. Regardless of the many reasons, all of them have been a much needed stress relief for both of us.

Last night's spanking was fueled by Pinot Noir, my favorite red wine. It all started when Leo came to pick me up from the Tastefully Simple party I went to. I had caught a ride with his sister earlier, and the plan had been to grab a bite to eat afterwards. We went to a Spanish Tapas restaurant in the city which happened to be BYOB. Leo went to the liquor store across the street to buy a bottle of wine to go along with our dinner. I hadn't eaten much during the day because I figured I would be snacking at the party and I knew we had a date afterwards. I love tapas, but they are not too filling since they are appetizers meant to be shared. They were so tasty and went well with the wine perfectly. We had such a nice time and I felt myself get a little tipsy as we polished off an entire bottle of wine which hasn't happened in a long while! Leo wasn't complaining. We started discussing ttwd. I was gutsy, in fact I had no idea what on earth got into me....oh yeah, it was the wine! lol. I told him how I really needed him to step up and be more strict with me. He was intrigued. He asked me questions, and I answered them under the influence without much filter.

After finishing dinner, Leo had a brilliant idea of stopping to pick up another bottle of wine on the way home. I think he was thrilled to see me so flirty and relaxed, both feelings I haven't had in a while! I told him he was an "enabler" and that he was just trying to get me drunk so he could do all kinds of sexy things to me. He said, "so what if I am" in a amused voice. Thinking back to what I told I wanted him to do regarding spankings would have seemed like topping from the bottom if I had told him while I was sober. Lucky for me, I think that it was the wine that did most of the talking, and that was all Leo fishing for information! I ended up telling him how I longed to be more submissive towards him and how I needed him to be more consistent and I needed to feel a little more nervous around him before and during a spanking to get me to the point I needed to be. Wow! I can't believe I told him that!!! That's crazy of me, because he is totally not a wimpy spanker at all!!! My ass still hurts when I sit down because of his spanking abilities, but it's just that I don't take him as seriously as I should sometimes because he is so easy going and really just wants to make me happy. Sometimes I need him to bring it up a notch to put me in that submissive frame of mind I want to be in for him. This does not necessarily mean that I want him to spank me harder, but I explained to him how I long for him to stir up feelings of nervousness inside me that starts in the pit of my stomach and works it's way down to my toes and then up to other parts of my body. This can be done many ways including making me wait for my spanking, ordering me to get the implements, and using his words to order me exactly how he wants me be positioned etc... Lecturing me between swats really helps me register in my head what I need to improve on and it makes the spanking so effective.

Leo didn't have post-it's, but I saw him processing all of the information that his crazy wife gave him as he continued to pour me more wine....I don't know when the last time I had more then two glasses let alone six or seven! Then he ordered me to take of my pants, leave my panties on and he led me over his knee. He started with a slow but steady rhythm using his hand and then alternated using his belt, the leather paddle and the wood paddle. I was sensitive from the last three spankings I had received, but I was told not to move my hand back or bring up my feet or I would be punished harder. I tried the best I could, and although it hurt and my ass was on fire, I felt all the stress I had been holding onto just melting away. I had been guilty of holding onto some resentment towards Leo from working so much, but that resentment faded and was replaced with submission. Submission towards my husband, the man who works so hard for our family and who tries with every ounce of his being to do whatever it takes to make us happy. All I wanted to do was to submit to him and please him, and that is exactly what I did. The passion that was stirred up was amazing!

Right, wrong, or obsessive, I am completely and utterly addicted to my husband. I have done a good job of taking care of myself and getting reacquainted with some of my passions this week, and one of the outcomes was that the passion between my husband and I was taken to yet another level! I have nothing to hide, no ulterior motives, just the need and the desire to have my husband be our leader and the head of our home. It may take a few glasses of Pinot at times to relax, open up, and communicate, but it sure beats keeping it all in. Life has its' ups and downs, and I certainly have been focusing on the downs when what I need to do is stay focused on the bigger picture. It won't always be easy, but that's life! Next time the going gets tough, I know that it will all look better after a spanking and a glass of wine.

The girl he can "go to war with"

2011-03-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

It has been said that there have been times where individuals have demonstrated a rare and extreme act of strength. I have heard stories of bravery where cars have been lifted off someone either by themselves or a loved one. These tales never cease to amaze me. It's hard not to start wonder if I would be as brave if placed in the same situation. I have always imagined I would. Thinking of what i would do if a loved one or one of my children in a life threatening situation is really a no-brainer. I can envision some divine force and supernatural powers rushing through my veins as I heroically rush to save them.

I have always been in awe of cancer patients and people battling life threatening illnesses who never stop fighting so they can beat the odds and survive. I admire their strength and determination, and have thought to myself surely if I were faced with illness, I too would fight and do everything I could imagine to get that second chance.

I think my strong will to fight and survive is part of what Leo liked about me when we met. He half jokingly told me before we were married that he knew we would have a successful marriage because I was the girl he could "go to war with". And that is exactly who I had been; a take-charge, no excuses, "let's get it done no matter what", "I have everything under-control" type of girl. This attitude has helped me get through a lot over the past years, so you can imagine how upset it has made me feel that I just can't keep up lately. Last week I felt as if I didn't had the stamina or desire to "fight" per se, and it caused all kinds of anxiety issues to rear its ugly head again. I felt discouraged because I so wanted to be the girl "he could go to war with", and I just couldn't keep it together.

The thing that almost put me over the edge was that I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamed that I was driving home from church with the kids and I lost control of the car and accidentally drove it into a lake. This dream has disturbed me on so many levels because in my dream I was on the phone with Leo as it was happening, and I could not save myself or the children. I started screaming and sobbing in my sleep, and Leo had to shake me to wake me up. This nightmare haunted me all of last week and into the weekend. I had a hard time falling asleep for a few nights because I was terrified of having the same dream again. I have had a hard time driving because I get nervous and the anxiety kicks in. I can't drive past a lake because I start to get sweaty palms. This dream I described to Leo worries him. He mentioned that if the feelings continued, we should look into getting a prescription for an anti-depressant and possibly speak with a therapist. I am not sure about this. I think I would feel very weak if I went this route, but I am really being effected with all of the highs and lows I have been feeling lately.

Before Monday, it had been twenty-eight days since we have had a day off as an entire family. I know that this played into a lot of why I felt like I was losing control last week. Although we still had family dinners and fell asleep together at night, the past month was tough because we were just basically passing each other by to and from work every day. Our home life had been minimized to getting food on the table and the kids cleaned and put to bed.

Finally Monday and Tuesday we all had off together since the kids and I are on Spring Break. We were determined to suck as much quality time as we could out of those two days. We went ice skating, had lunch with the kids in a quaint little town where we fed the ducks and bought all kinds of sweets at the well known confectionary. We also went for coffee and sweets the next day and took the kids to Gameworks (an entertainment place). We went out to eat, and came home and watched movies and played games. Suddenly, it felt as if we all went through "group therapy" and had a "spa weekend away". It amazed me at how much I treasured that time. Although it was only forty-eight hours, the typical weekend, it was so incredibly sweet because we cherished the little time we had together and did not waste any petty time fighting or in and power struggles that used to happen occasionally in the past. In addition, my parents were able to take the kids one afternoon for me while Leo had to work, and I got my nails done and had a relaxing lunch by myself at a quiet sushi restaurant. I felt nourished and I slowly started gaining back my sanity. Leo and I sat down with the calendar and marked a couple days here and there during the next few months where we are going to call in sick or take a personal day so that we can maintain that time we need as a couple and as a family. Twenty-eight days cannot happen again. We agreed that it effected both of us as well as the kids. I am comforted knowing that our family is a priority and we are determined to make it work.

If you have been wondering, yes there have been some spankings lately. Leo having to work has created some resentment in me. Although he doesn't have control over the situation, I still have been less then respectful towards him and somewhat sarcastic. My sarcasm caused me to say some pretty mean things. I guess I didn't realize how much the little things can add up and cause hurt in a relationship. Our baby is the most laid-back baby in the world. He eats, sleeps, and observes everything around him, but he hates when we try to get him to crawl or play too much during tummy time. He is the complete opposite of our older son who is just a ball of energy from the time he wakes up till he goes to sleep. It's nice to have such a carefree baby, but yesterday I was "talking" to the baby as he was refusing to crawl, and I told him that he was so lazy like his daddy. I think I saw flames come out of Leo's ears. "I'm not lazy! You are being very disrespectful towards me!" he informed me in an angry voice. I knew that I was going to pay for that comment later. As I thought about it, Leo was right to be angry at me. He is not lazy, maybe laid back, but definitely not lazy. Leo works hard, helps me so much around the house and with the kids, he makes breakfast for the family just about everyday. I knew that I have to be more careful with my words. I apologized later to him and told him how that comment came out so wrong. I did get a spanking last night. Part of me did not want it, I tried talking him out of it, but he and I both knew that I needed it. It hurt, but as always, I felt much better afterwards.

Leo assured me that he loves me, and will always take care of me, and he will not let my anxiety get out of control. I know I married such a wonderful man. A man who puts everyone first before himself. A man who won't give up and will be strong when the going gets tough. I am so in love with this man. I know he deserves a wife who does the same. I have realized that my peace has to be a priority in order to stay strong for my husband and my family. I have decided to use the next few months to focus on things that really matter and to strive to better myself. I have realized that I neglected a lot of things I used to love to do. I love making jewelry, but haven't been able to find the time, so yesterday I went to the craft store and bought some beads. I think I will make a pair of earrings today. I haven't gone to my step and zumba class since before I was pregnant, working out is on my to-do list. I've been putting off seeing a couple of girlfriends so I am going to a lia sophia party Friday, a tastefully simple party Saturday, and out to lunch on Sunday with my old college roommate. I am excited about a bible study that I have started. I know that with His help I can conquer my anxieties and live my life to serve him, my family, and others. I hope by reorganizing some of my priorities, I can continue to be the the wife my husband "can go to war with". I am going to try with all my strength to be the girl that my husband and family needs.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall.....

2011-03-12T09:42:00.000-08:00

Since Leo broke the news to me that he has to work every single weekend for the next three to four months, I have been devastated beyond belief. My world as I know it has come crashing down and I am left alone to pick up the pieces. Overly dramatic? Maybe. But one thing is for sure, I don't know how to be on my own anymore, and God only knows that I have no desire to be. I feel so lost without Leo. Life has stuck my face into this huge mirror and has showed me how dependent I am on this man. Throughout our whole relationship and marriage, we have been apart only one day and that was due to him having to fly to Texas to take his medical boards. What comforts me somewhat, is knowing that he feels the same way. I know he'd rather be home with me and our family. He has turned down invitations after work and other activities to rush home and be with his wife and kids. I count my blessings, because I am so very lucky I have married such a good man. I have met so many men and women who constantly go out without their spouses, take separate vacations, and when at home are never together in the same room. We cannot comprehend this at all. Why on earth would anyone use the little vacation days they may have to be away from their significant other? Leo and I joke that we are addicted to each other, worse then any drug addiction one can have. It's kind of crazy. Don't get me wrong, the occasional girl's/guy's night out or weekend is understandable, but I could never picture spending so much time away from Leo. Ironically, we have been forced to go through our work days and weekends separately.

A few months is not an eternity, so why can't I just put a smile on and be the supportive wife that I know I should be? Time apart has really triggered a lot of insecurities that I rather not deal with. I really try to make the best of this whole situation, but truth be told I feel very lonely. I am surrounded by my children and family and I am holding on tight with my relationship with God, but I still feel like I isolate myself from everyone but Leo, although now that he is gone so much, I can feel those walls coming back up. I keep myself busy by trying to make Leo's and my life as easy as possible during this hectic time. I feel fulfilled taking care of my family, so all the clothes have been clean, I try to make our home as orderly and pleasant as possible, and I have been trying to cook all the meals for the week ahead of time. On the weekends I can't relax because I know that Leo has to work, so I get up with him, have breakfast with him and start my day. I know that part of the reason I keep myself so busy is to try to keep my mind off of what is bothering me. If I sit, I worry....so I keep moving all day long. By the end of the day I am exhausted.

I know that I need to relax. I feel sad when I stop at the coffee shop and observe other women bonding and having a girl's afternoon out. I have friends. A lot of them have moved away or are in a different place in their lives, but I ask myself why don't I make more of an effort with the friends I have? Why don't I make more of an effort to try to make new friends? I am terrible at keeping in touch with people. I have felt so fulfilled and busy with my husband and kids that I have pushed this need I have for friendships away. I guess part of the reason has been that I can't relate to a lot of the friends I had in college or earlier in my life. A lot of them are the ones who are so disrespectful to their husbands, don't like to be around one another and are constantly taking separate vacations. I have a hard time relating or wanting to be around them because I love my husband so much and I would never say one bad word about him, so it's hard for me to sit and "husband bash". I am starting to realize that maybe I do need to make more of an effort in this area of my life.

The old saying; absence makes the heart grow fonder, is just not true in my case. For me, absence makes the heart feel lonely; insecure; sad; and lost. For Leo, the saying holds up. He has worked the past three weekends in a row, and has come home needing me emotionally and physically. Especially physically. It is a good feeling knowing that your husband wants you all of the time. The extra attention is good if you know what I mean, but as hard as we are both trying, I can't seem to get my libido up to his level. It's upsetting because I have NEVER had problems in this area before. If anything, I wanted to be physical just as much or more then him. I guess it's hard for me to have that connection when our schedules can't seem to fall in place. I am really trying. Leo has stepped it up with ttwd, but the few spankings that I did receive, didn't help me the way I wanted them to. Yes, they got the juices flowing, but I still feel all over the place emotionally. I think Leo was hoping that ttwd would be the tool he needs to snap me out of this. I guess it has helped a little, but why do I still feel so lost?

I know that this will pass. I hope that a few months from now when I look back on this post, I will be in a better place and appreciate and cherish the time I will be able to spend with my husband. Although it feels hard to do, I am really going to try to hold it together and try to make this less hard on everyone. I feel ashamed to think that I have magnified my problems when there are people in the world who are going through massive devastation because of the Tsunami and other terrible things that make my problem seem so ridiculous. I have to remind myself that the world is bigger then I am, and change my perspective fast to appreciate all the good things I do have in my life.

Tough winter....(by Leo)

2011-03-10T12:47:00.000-08:00

It has been a really long time since I have written anything for the blog, what can I say, life happens. I was recently informed that my job obligations would require me to work every single weekend from now till the summer.

For those of you who do not live in the Midwest, let me explain the connotations that such news carries. By now, winter has had us in it’s cold grip, months and months of lounging around at the house with nothing but shades of gray coming in through the windows have left everyone with a bad case of cabin fever. We try to adapt to our cold reality by trying to remain active and engaged by bringing activities indoors, or bundling up and going outdoors to brave the elements, but truth be told, the only thing that keeps me and Judy ticking is thinking about all the fun we will have when warmer temperatures finally decide to show their face. It's been a tough winter. Not the toughest, but with all the changes (new jobs, new baby, new schedules) it’s been pretty challenging. As it was, I was only able to spend quality time with all family members twice a month, with the new deal, it remains uncertain if our schedules will ever coincide so that we can all hang out like any normal family does.

Needless to say, Judy has been devastated by the news. It was bad enough going from being a stay at home mom to a full time teacher, but now she finds out that she will have to finish the school year without getting weekends to reconnect with her husband. And Judy is not just any teacher, she’s in charge of 17 little monkeys that would be enough to drive the most patient zookeeper insane.

Less Leo time = less TTWD time. And we all know what that means. It’s not that we’ve been having fights, it’s just that things have been said , gestures have been made, and comments have been misinterpreted. It’s been tense and it’s all stemmed from frustration.

Boy, I just re-read what I’ve written on the post and to tell you the truth it kinda depressed me a little bit. Screw it all!!! I will make amends to this, I will make it right! I will reach deep into my HOH bag of tricks and I will reset the course of this TTWD relationship. Whenever Judy and I reconnect, I feel I have my Judy back, the love of my life, my girl, my wife and my occasional partner in crime. She is truly my everything. I will not let our circumstances get the best of us. I will keep the TTWD dream alive!!! Somewhere in a suburban classroom a pair of rosy cheeks are oblivious to the fact that they will soon be recalled to active duty.

Ctrl Alt Del

2011-02-20T13:23:00.000-08:00

Ctrl Alt Delete. This has become Leo's favorite new expression when he knows I am entering "panic mode", or he officially can no longer reason with me. Sometimes he says this to me when my tone with him changes and I am treading the dangerous waters called "sarcasm" and "disrespect"....that inevitably leads to a spanking. Everyone has their way of dealing with stress. Some people eat, some sleep, others tackle their fears head on. Not me. I can be very deceiving. I have a pretty high tolerance for stress....it even appears as if I can juggle a lot at once and do it gracefully. To outsiders, it is an admirable quality. Family and friends swear I have it all together...family, work, the house, cooking, and the list goes on. Leo knows better. He can see through my little act and know when he needs to hit the "Ctr Alt Del" button....he knows that this button is wired to my ass. Sometimes it's an easy fix, sometimes it takes longer, sometimes he needs to run the "anti-virus repair" and it can take a while till I get up with no more "threats" detected. The problem with juggling so much is "bam" one little extra thing gets thrown into my juggling act and everything comes tumbling down. This is how I have felt lately. It has been some February. I have a lot on my plate at work, and at home everyone has been rotating through being sick, and we just can't seem to catch a break. Our fairly new heating system went out on us on the coldest night of the year. We had to call an emergency repair service to come out, and well let's just say that depleted our savings by $1500. I caught a stomach bug and ended up in the emergency room on Valentine's Day...not the way we envisioned spending Valentine's Day. Lately it seemed to be one thing after another. During bad seasons, it's so easy to let all of life's surprises get the best of you. I must say that although we have had a bad spell, we've gotten through it. It's not so bad I keep reminding myself. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful kids, a great job, and a loving home. Things could be much worse. In fact, that's just life! Instead of focusing on the things that haven't gone our way, I have learned a hard lesson on changing my perspective. I have also learned that if I don't change my perspective, Leo will do it for me. Alt Ctr Delete.
This weekend Leo and I have had some much needed time together doing absolutely nothing! We have been in bed all day with our pj's still on! The kids have been with family and we stole a couple of days just for us. Last night we renewed our vows at mass. Our church is special where they have a special mass once a year around Valentine's Day and married couples can stand up and renew their vows to each other. It was special and meaningful and reminded me just how much I love my husband. No matter how many seasons we will go through in our lives together, there will inevitably be storms. These storms are what help shape and straighten our bond. They are there to test our commitment and promise we made to each other. It serves as a reminder that no good thing comes without working hard for it. We have gained much strength in all that we have experienced, and there is no doubt that our marriage will only get richer and stronger over the course of our lives. I loved renewing our vows, and I would do it over and over a million times. Every day I hope to be the kind of wife that Leo deserves. He has been my rock, my protector, and my flame. He is the best husband a wife could ask for and I know I am lucky to be married to such a wonderful guy. Tonight we are going out for dinner and tomorrow we will see where the day takes us...even if it means not leaving our bed!

Monkey See, Monkey Do

2011-02-03T14:22:00.000-08:00

Not too long ago, I picked up Jake after school and found out that he had been moved to “red light” (Kindergarten works on a green light, yellow light, red light system… red light is not where you want to find yourself if you are a child). His teacher opened the passenger car door and had a look of embarrassment on her face. “I don’t know quite how to tell you this, but Jake had to move his light at recess today because he was caught spanking another little girl”, his teacher told me. At this point, completely caught off guard, I was slightly amused but far more mortified then anything else. “Jake, I sternly said in front of his teacher, this is completely inappropriate and I never want to hear you do anything like this again…do you understand?” “Ok, but she wanted to play house” my son said defensively. I apologized to the teacher, told Jake there was no t.v. that day, and drove off. I lectured Jake on the way home, telling him how we don’t touch other people and how everyone has their own personal space. I warned him that I was never to hear of him “touching” anyone else let alone spanking or hitting them. Jake remained silent. Thoughts started racing through my head. Had he heard us one night? We have always tried to be careful so that he never heard. Josh is just a baby, so we aren’t so concerned about him yet. Usually maintenance or any other spankings happen when Jake is not home, but there had been times….but I doubt he had heard….being such a heavy sleeper, but you never know.

That night at dinner Leo asked how everyone’s day was. I said good but Jake was on red today. Leo asked Jake what had happened in a firm voice and Jake said “It’s not a big deal, I spanked a girl”. Leo looked at me and I saw him raise his eyebrows with amusement. He turned to Jake and warned him, “Well don’t do that again, or I’m going to spank you!” This amused me, because Jake has never really gotten much of a spanking from either of us. There have been a few times, but only for serious infractions. Jake has gotten swats out of acting up or not listening, but we haven’t been too quick to spank. What I have noticed though, is that Leo has become more comfortable in swatting me in public or at home in front of the kids. Playful swats of course, but with little ears and eyes listening and watching everything you do….I wonder if we are raising a little spanko ourselves? We were emptying the dishwasher after lunch today (our second snow day in a row!) and Leo swatted me with the spoon before putting it away. “Oww, that stings!” I argued. I playfully but revengefully gave him a hard smack on his ass which was loud enough for Jake to here downstairs while he was watching t.v. “Hahaha, giggled Jake¸ Mommy spanked you!” Leo and I looked at each other with wide eyes. Oops….we really do have to be careful. A little later Jake came upstairs and also tried giving Leo a swat. Leo grabbed Jake’s arm and warned, “I wouldn’t do that unless you are looking for a real spanking.” Jake walked away smling.

I know that spanking for us is “this thing we do”. It serves a few different purposes within our marriage. Leo spanks me for discipline, but it’s also very sexual. It’s very much a constant thing we rely on in our everyday lives. We both can’t imagine going back to our relationship pre-spanking. It has helped us so much and there have been so many less conflicts and less stress since we started ttwd. We have become better because of it. What worries me however, is how does all this effect our kids? I don’t want anything we do to “mess them up”. Not that there is anything wrong with spanking, but shouldn’t it be something that they chose to do on their own, and not something that potentially molds their desires?” I may be overreacting, but these are just the thoughts that run through my head. After reading about how Mick’s mother-in-law was spanked, it got me to remember how I heard “playful spanking” growing up as a child. I used to hear my parents ‘get it on’, and although now I appreciate that they had a loving and sexual marriage, it still kind of grosses me out at the same time. I really don’t want my children grossed out by us. But then again, maybe I shouldn’t care so much about it. Is this an issue that any of you are facing? If you are, what do you think about this? I’d love to hear some insight.

Charts and Graphs

2011-01-22T09:29:00.000-08:00

I was exhausted! We just had Jake's sixth birthday party at the ice arena the morning before (big hockey fan), and the "family party" later on that night. I pretty much had to pull it all off on my own due to Leo's work schedule. That meant that I had to pick up the cake, balloons, goodie bags, bring the coolers, decorate the party room, organize the food, and welcome all the six year old guests and the parents while still caring for both kids. Leo showed up just as the party was starting. Not that I'm complaining....this is just background information that serves as part of my defense for a certain situation that happened the very next day. I love everything that has to do with party planning, cooking, hosting ect... everything minus the stress it sometimes brings. The party was a hit, and it was time for party number two that evening. Like we had mentioned, nothing brings on stress faster then family sometimes. I was very proud of myself for keeping my cool and not letting unnecessary comments get the best of me. Isn't it funny how certain people have the gift of knowing exactly how to unnerve you? Well, anyway, success number two. It was ten o'clock and family was still there! To say the least, we were both tired. I started cleaning off the table, loading the dish washer and cleaning hoping that that subtle hint would get people moving out the door. Well, forty-five minutes later, and a clean kitchen, everyone was gone, the kids were in bed, and we were done.

"Don't you clean anymore Judy, I will help you with the rest tomorrow." Leo reassured.

"I'm almost done, I'd rather finish it now then leave it for tomorrow", I answered.

"No, you are done now. You have been working hard all day", Leo informed me as he took my hand and led me upstairs.

"Ok". I said. Bed sounded perfect to me, so that is were we went!

The next morning we went to church, picked up a few things we needed and came back home. I was feeling anxious because there was a lot on my mind. I had the next day off, and I was starting back at work on Tuesday from my maternity leave. I had a to-do list a mile long for my new classroom, and cleaning up was on the last of my list.

"I'm going to take a nap" Leo said as he laid down on the couch. Usually I get upset when he says this because this means that I have to try to get everything done myself. But I knew how hard he had been working, and I figured I also had Monday to finish up everything. We only had the baby with us, so I wasn't stressing....after all he did say he would help me after he dragged me to bed the night before.

"Ok" I said to him. I saw Leo checking out to see if I was upset...I wasn't so he continued on with his nap. (I guess my cleaning rage reputation puts him on edge)

I figured I would take care of the cleaning and surprise Leo so that we could kick back and enjoy our night and I would take care of the school stuff on Monday. As I started cleaning I started gaining a sense of accomplishment. I was thinking about how nice the house would be for the week. I started planning in my head what I could make for dinner for the nights when I went back to school. Then I started thinking about school. I would be starting at a new school and new grade level on Tuesday (this was sprung on me at the end of the last school year when I was seven months pregnant!) To say the least, sheer panic spread across me like the plague. I started rushing the cleaning so that I could possibly start on the school stuff that night. The baby started crying, the phone started ringing, and I was rushing from room to room putting away birthday presents, watering plants, swifting, and putting laundry away all while trying to calm the baby down. As I came down the stairs to get more laundry that had been folded I saw water leaking from the plant all over my wood table onto the hardwood floors.

"Oh shit", I yelled looking for a towel..... This was enough to startle Leo out of his sleep and he sprung up and asked "What happened?"

"Nothing!" I snapped at him. "Go back to sleep!"

He saw the cleaning rage take over and was furious!

Leo then proceeded to get up and what happened next could only be described next as contagious cleaning rage. He started putting things away while slamming doors, cabinets and chairs. "You are unbelievable!" he furiously shouted. "I can't even relax on my day off!" He continued to demonstrate just how angry he was as he too started running around from room to room.

Guilt is the only word that can describe the way I felt. I honestly didn't mean for him to wake up. Tears started flowing like the Niagara falls and I was sobbing.

"You are going to give yourself a heart attack!" he started yelling at me.

By the time he was done yelling at me he had said some pretty terrible things out of frustration.

I was hurt.

I went upstairs crawled into bed and just started sobbing. I was completely and totally overwhelmed. I guess my anxiety had been creeping up on me all week, but I just ignored it and kept myself busy. There had been no time that week for maintenance which would have probably kept my anxiety in check. Instead we had gotten to this dark place.

I heard the baby crying. I went to get him brought him upstairs calmed him down and just held him so tight. The thought of having to leave him with a babysitter was too much for me to handle. I had been fortunate to have had seven months to "play house" so to say, and I loved every moment of it! I loved taking care of my children, I loved having dinner ready on the table, and the house clean and peaceful when Leo got home from work. I was so fulfilled and the thought of it going out the window was too much for me to comprehend. I put the baby in his crib and just cried and cried and cried. I was so hurt. How could Leo not have patience with me through this hard time I was going through?

I heard Leo come up the stairs after what had seemed to be an eternity.....surely to apologize I righteously thought to myself. He had been such a jerk. I felt terrible for waking him up, but it was unintentional...and my intentions were all good with trying to take care of everything by myself.

"Judy, I'm sorry... stop crying." Leo said

He's going to have to do better then that I thought to myself as I huffed.

"Please come downstairs and have a glass of water, I have something to show you", he calmly said to me.

"What?" I said with attitude. " I really don't feel like looking at anything", I added.

"Please...." he said. "There are some charts and graphs I put together and I want you to see."

My curiosity peaked. So I went. I sat down he gave me water. Titanic was on t.v. I was still trying to catch my breath from the crying. I wouldn't look at him in the eye. I thought, maybe he put together some kind of cleaning chart to make our lives easier when I go back to work?

After I calmed down and put my glass of water on the coffee table he said, "Judy, are you calm now? I want to show you something." I thought he was going to open his laptop as he leaned forward, but then out of nowhere he grabbed my arm, had me over his knee, managed to pull down my pants and panties and started to spank me like there was no tomorrow. I was shocked. I couldn't move because he held me so tight in position that I couldn't even squirm. There was no warm up, just sharp slap after slap. I couldn't think straight with all of the emotions that I was going through...and I finally said, "Stop, wait, the baby's crying!!!" He stopped, listened, and didn't hear anything so he continued on with the spanking. "Listen!" I said. I really thought he had been crying. So Leo said, "Hurry up, go check on him and come back with the paddle." I started up the stairs, and then realized that the baby was sound asleep, but out of panic I ran into our bedroom and locked the door behind me. Leo was right behind my trail and started knocking on the door.

"Judy, you better open the door now or I promise you, you will be sorry" he informed me.

I curled up on the bed crying again in disbelief. Leo had NEVER spanked me outside of our scheduled times besides a few reminder spanks here and there. I was angry. I was mad. I was fuming. He was the one at fault here. He blew everything out of proportion and said some pretty awful things to me! Now he had the nerve to play the "HOH card" oh no... I was having none of it.

"No way!" I stubbornly shouted.

"You are just making things worse for yourself" He told me.

I knew that it was just a matter of time till he got the door open since a hanger usually did the trick.

At least it gave my ass time to cool off a bit.

The door popped open and Leo went straight for the implement box and took out the "Attitude Adjustment" paddle. "You have one minute to get downstairs or I promise you won't be able to sit down all of next week when you start school again" he ensured me.

I knew my fate and didn't argue but followed him with my pillow. I was spit-fire mad at him.

He was not going to break me during this spanking, I had made up my stubborn mind.

I went over his knee. He once again pulled off my pants and panties. "No pantie protection for you" he said with a matter of fact tone. He started spanking with the paddle, I refused to show any emotion. "This is for locking yourself in the room....as he delivered fast hard set of strikes.

"This is completely unfair" I shouted back at him. "You acted terribly to me!" I continued yelling at him. He ignored me and continued to spank. I continued to argue with him throughout the first half of the spanking, insults, sarcasm flying left and right out of my mouth. I plead insanity...that could be the only reason, because under normal circumstances I could never withstand a quarter of the spanking he was giving me.

"I can't believe how stubborn sarcastic you are being", he finally said. He stopped. "Judy, I am sorry about how I exploded earlier, that was wrong of me and I accept that. It doesn't make it ok for you treat me with no respect" he informed me. "I am trying to salvage the little time left we have tonight so we can spend it together and not continue to fight all night. You have been stressed out for a while and you need this to regain focus on what's important. I will continue to spank you until you understand that" he said.

I started to cry. I have never cried like I was crying during a spanking. I buried my head into the pillow and sobbed. All of a sudden the pain started registering. "Oww...please stop...I get it..." I pleaded and pleaded. "No, I want you to be mush", he replied.

About a few dozen more smacks with the paddle and I was crying like a blubbering baby.

Leo stopped. He rubbed my throbbing bottom and then held me close. "I love you so much, I don't want to fight with you ever....I'm sorry" he reassured me. "I love you too...I'm sorry" I cried.

After we reconnected, I never felt so close to him.

We reconnected in another way (which was so good), and all was right again. Fight? what fight?

Bad feelings? none here. This whole thing before dd could have went so bad....it could have lasted days, with no talking, hurt feelings and hurt pride. But it was over. And that was the best feeling ever.

"Let's go out somewhere really nice for dinner" Leo said. So we did.

Our last official dinner of my maternity leave. Crab legs, margaritas, and a happy, in love, touchy-feely husband and wife that everyone in the restaurant probably wondered...."what's their trick?"

Come and get me.....LOL

2011-01-13T17:50:00.000-08:00

I think a good laugh can cure almost anything. It has been such a dull day around here.... My husband got home from work and showed me this video on youtube and I almost peed my pants because I was laughing so hard. It reminded me of Tammy's post when she was mentioning the people of Walmart website. Seriously....where do these people come from?
This guy is so stupid that you can't help but laugh!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30InBgGhiSo

Home Sweet Home (Leo)

2011-01-13T09:55:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone, very nice to be back after the holidays, I know it has been a while since I have posted anything, but between getting back on track at work and at home things tend to get lost and postponed in the small tornado that is everyday life.
First things first, small recap: Holidays, Who says you can’t go home? It was such a wonderful experience to go back, coming back to my childhood home and seeing everything again, surroundings that are still familiar yet eerily different. It stills shocks me how everything seemed smaller, I’m sure you can all relate. This was a trip to familiarize Judy with my old hometown, and to get the kids to know their Colombian family. Over the years one of the things that has remained a challenge for me while relocating to the States is the way everything seems to be planned and measured in advance, even a small meeting between close family always involves some matter of planning or rehearsal, a dinner with relatives becomes an all night event and usually ends up with Judy and I rushing to make arrangements (cleaning/picking up) which inevitably leads to bickering (refer to my last post). As we stepped out of the arrival gate we were greeted by an Impromptu meeting of about 20 of my relatives from close and far, uncles, aunts, cousins, babies , etc, etc. We were then bombarded with enough kisses and hugs to make you sore and within 10 minutes of being in Colombia our all-clear open agenda for our 12 day vacation had been filled out chock-full of invitations to dinners, lunches, breakfasts, parties, trips. Some authors have described this as “culture shock”, I can only imagine what was going through Judy’s mind at the time. Later that night as I lie in bed, I remember thinking “We are not in Kansas/Chicago anymore”. The next day we were treated to a hearty breakfast ( I am now absolutely terrified of knowing where my Cholesterol is at) and we set out to Santa Marta, a beautifully lazy resort town at the edge of the mountains right next to the Caribbean. Judy and I finally had time to rest. Trips with family are tough, you want to relax, but you also want to spend time with the people you haven’t seen in years, problem is, this was the only vacation Judy and I have had in over a year. Our marital needs were not being fulfilled so to speak. Any kind of intimacy seemed awkward with kids and relatives sleeping in the room next door. Furthermore, having been on my own for quite some time now, it was tough not being able to fully call the shots. Somewhere on the flight south, in the clouds over the Atlantic my full powers as HOH had been affected by the fact that I was again a son in my parents’ home, my powers had not been stripped, but definitely watered down. Cue frustration. I could sense it in Judy, although we were all having a blast, certain emotional needs can only be met and fulfilled by your spouse. The next day I made sure everyone woke up early and swiftly proceeded to steal my dad’s car, yes, I took Judy and the kids and made a run for it, the day would be ours and we would spend it doing what we would like to be doing. Give us freedom or give us death! That night having reconnected a bit with Judy I smacked her on the butt a few times, her eyes opening bigger and bigger with each hit, both of us were kind of mortified that something might be heard through the walls. I knew that our TTWD was still going strong. Maybe not the way things usually are but at least we had the travel version.
The next day we hung out with the big family, there were places to go and people to see, the stuff childhood memories are made of. However, family drama inevitably made its appearance, the kids where acting up and some people were not pleased. Some people are just not comfortable around children. Everyone has advice to offer and all of a sudden everyone is a parenting expert. Lo and behold, the infallible advice of people who don't have any kids of their own. I love my family, I am used to them and over time I have learned to ignore their uncalled-for "input" but such situations make Judy very uncomfortable, she feels put under a microscope. Soon her anxiety levels had skyrocketed. Add to that the fact that I had to spend a long stretch of the day away from her and you can get an idea of how pleasant things where once we were finally reunited for bed that night. When we get ridden with anxiety and all worked up, neither of us make any sense. We got stuck in a hours long discussion leading nowhere and the frustration just kept building and building. Finally I said to Judy: "You are going to get it when we get home." All of a sudden 24 hours of bitterness dissapeared from her face, I even think I cought a glimpse of a smile towards the end. That small taste of anticipation had been enough to bring us back. I held her in my arms as we fell asleep that night, both of us felt reassured. I love TTWD. The next day we went to Cartagena, Colombia's crown jewel, we set out again looking to spend some memorable time in the beautiful city as part of the big family. I still had to be somewhat separated from Judy, but I was sure we could make light of things and relax and enjoy our vacation.
Many, many beach adventures, drinks and calories later, we made it back home, two exhausted kids in tow and 200 pounds worth of luggage. We were in our own house, the kids were asleep and I treated Judy's cheeks to 45 minutes of "welcome back". My hand was sore, my powers were back, it had been worth the wait. We were recharged. We were ready. 2011, here we come!

Change of Pace

2011-01-09T11:57:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! We are back! I must say that I missed the blog world. We traveled to Colombia to visit Leo's family. It was my first visit, so I finally met a lot of family face-to-face that I have never met before. We traveled with both kids. It was a lot of preparation, especially since we left the day after Christmas, and we just got back a couple days ago.
I think our trip is just what we all desperately needed. There is nothing like stepping out of your own world for a while to take in something new. The cold winter and snow had made me feel like a hostage in my own house. I had missed sitting outside in the backyard, taking walks, going to the pool, and everything that summer offers here. To say the least, we got a short spell of summer put back into our systems that will hopefully break up the winter for us and speed up the arrival of spring (hopefully?)
Colombia is HOT! Leo warned me about the humidity and heat, but that could not possibly prepare me for what I felt when I got there. I think it took me three days to get used to that humidity. It's like Florida summer's multiplied twenty times! But I am not complaining, because I'll take that any day over the cold. We spent twelve days in Colombia. We stayed in Leo's family hometown for most of it, but also traveled to two other vacation spots, one in the mountains, and another a very popular city. They were all on the coast, so it was nice to take in the ocean, and the ocean breeze helped combat the humidity. We ate wonderful food, fresh squeezed tropical juices (passion fruit was my favorite!), and got plenty of needed vitamin D. I must say it felt so good! Leo was born in the states, but partially grew up in Colombia. I had the chance to see where he went to school, where he hung out, and better understand his family dynamics. I speak Spanish and lived in Argentina for a year growing up, so I have a good idea how the Latin culture works, but it was interesting to see first hand how his family operates. Things are a lot different and at a much slower pace down there. This is something I think we all need to appreciate and take into consideration up here. People work to live, enjoy family, and really know how to relax. Things aren't run completely on time, and that's ok. It definitely conflicts with our culture and how we are raised here. But I also see a lot of people overly-stressed out up here (including myself at times).....and to what expense? Our health? Observing how life is enjoyed and lived with a passion, has given me some rough ideas for my New Year's Resolutions (which I am late at starting...but I will get to them). I know for sure that slowing down needs to be on them.
My soon to be six year old got extremely spoiled in Colombia. Having a maid/cook is common in most households, and he got every meal catered to him, bed made up, picked up after, and clothes washed. (I guess we all got pretty spoiled).
Reality hit hard when we came back to our house and saw the aftermath of Christmas and all mess it brought with it! Not to mention going from 95 degree weather to 20 degree weather. (which makes me ask why on earth do we live here? but then I remember how vested we are in everything here....but maybe for retirement? who knows....) We experienced a terrible flight home (Ummm Spirit stinks) we had left Colombia at 12AM and once arriving to Florida missed our flight and almost had to wait another 24 hours to come back home....we ended up buying tickets on American to get the kids home. Hopefully we will be reimbursed somehow...but that's another story. The past couple days have been spend organizing and getting things in order. I must say I was crabby the first day back. I didn't want our vacation to end (it went way too fast) and I really hated to be back in the cold and gloomy weather. I felt myself get overwhelmed and fast. Leo was quick to put an end that those sinking feelings with a welcome home spanking, and a maintenance spanking later that night which I was dreading because of a couple of things that happened down in Colombia (that's another post in itself). Thank goodness they weren't so bad but served more as a warning and a re-establishment of roles which we desperately needed since there was no possible way to practice TTWD in Colombia (family was ALWAYS around!!!....and not just immediate family...aunts, cousins, the whole nine yards). Yes, we definitely did need a "who's who spanking" for sure. Leo even commented on how hard it was for him to be a son again after having his own wife and children. So now we are back and Leo is back at work, and I go back in a week. I am apprehensive and trying not to let it overwhelm me, but it's hard. I have had such a great time being home. I have been off for seven months, and I have enjoyed every minute of taking care of my home and family. I have mixed feelings about returning, and I know it's the anticipation that is stressing me out, but I am wondering how on earth am I going to juggle everything and still get dinner on the table and the clothes and house clean? I know I have to look on the bright side and thank God for the time he has given me at home and look at the next season of my life with gratefulness. I am going to try to make the best of everything. I am glad that we had the opportunity to visit Colombia. What a beautiful country! It seems appropriate to end such a wonderful maternity leave with a wonderful vacation. Here are a couple of my favorite pictures of our trip.

500 year old fortress

view from our hotel room on one of the trips

This flower is called "Tu y Yo" which means "You and me"

Typical Colombian food....yum!

A quick and funny joke!

2010-12-21T12:25:00.000-08:00

At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines.
One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households.
The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."
God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
The women left and the men formed two lines.
The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending.
The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.

God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose.
Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."
Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Anxiety

2010-12-18T10:07:00.000-08:00

I have come to the realization that I have some ugly anxiety issues. For years, I knew I tended to worry unnecessarily at times and got overwhelmed easily, but I ignored it. I dealt with my anxiety by throwing myself into a “project” which would temporarily fix my anxiety at hand. At work I would be the first to raise my hand to help with a new project or volunteer to be on every committee. I threw myself into projects around the house to take my mind off of what was bothering me at the time instead of facing my fears head on. I have always kept myself so busy in order to avoid dealing with my fears. Vulnerable is not a feeling I enjoy having.

My maternity leave that has been attached to summer vacation has given me the opportunity to finally reflect on myself. It has given the opportunity to realize that I need to slow down and take care of myself. I am so appreciative that I have had so much time off and this opportunity for much needed reflection. I have been feeling a little anxious lately and I know what has been causing me to feel this way. I go back to work a month from today which has me a little worried. I feel that I am finally getting to the root of a lot of my anxieties and I am able to finally attack them head on. I am trying to simplify here at home so that when I do go back to work finding a balance with home life and work life won’t feel so unbearable like it has in the past. Juggling two kids and work (teaching a new grade-level, I may add) won’t be easy. I want to make sure that I can handle it all and be ok when it is time to go back. Taking care of everything is something I’m very good at doing for everyone else in my life. I have been striving to achieve to be the “mom of the year”, “wife of the year”, “chef of the year” “teacher of the year”, “daughter of the year”, “clean house of the year”, among other awards.

At what expense have I been doing all of this? Over the past ten days, I have seen first-hand what is going to happen if I don’t learn how to control my anxiety and change the unhealthy thinking patterns that contribute to the anxiety I can’t seem to control at times. We have had a tough couple of weeks with the baby being sick, and me worrying about lab tests. We almost had to take the baby to the hospital when he had the bad case of croup. Our five year old Jake stayed overnight with my parents that night just in case we had to go to the hospital. That very night my mother started calling Leo in the midst of a full blown panic attack. She was fearful her blood pressure was high (it wasn’t) and started taking my father’s blood pressure medicine! She called the ambulance in the middle of the night and called Leo. He had to go over to their home to pick up Jake at 3 o’clock in the morning. My father had been woken up from a deep sleep, and Leo was concerned that one day he is going to suffer a heart attack with how my mother has been affected by all of this. My mother has always been a very “put together” woman. She is absolutely gorgeous and looks years younger than she actually is. She is so very “proper” and everything has to be perfect. She has to look perfect, her house has to look perfect, the dinner she cooks has to taste perfect, and she tries to “perfect” everyone around her. Well, her perfection is killing her. This has always driven me nuts, but in a way I fear I have some of these tendencies as well.

"who wants to be perfect anyway?"

It is so sad to see how superficial my own mother is, how there is really no “substance” to her, and how materialistic she really is. It’s sad to report that my mother lives such an unfulfilling existence and really has no desire to better herself or desire to change in any way. It kills me that she has little to no relationship with God, nor cares to. She is a good person in her own way, but I really don’t care to spend too much time with her because she upsets me. She is critical, mean at times, and is very narrow-minded. I don’t doubt her love for us or my family, but I have realized that I can want to try to help her and talk to I’m blue in the face, but she will not change unless that change comes from within. All I can do is show her my unconditional love and pray for her. Now that I have had a “glimpse” of what unnecessary worry can do to a person, I am convinced that I need to do a better job of keeping my worry in check. Leo has known this for a while now. He has done a good job of connecting the dots. I think I have ignored his concerns he has about my own anxiety issues at times out of fear that maybe I have some sort of disorder or I fear that I am going crazy or something. A lot of my fear lies in the fact that I am so incredibly dependent on my husband. Leo is my everything. He is my husband, father of my children, best friend, lover, and the list goes on. On one hand it is such an enormous relief that I have someone that I am so close with and who knows pretty much everything about me. Things that nobody has ever known or things that I have kept private forever until now. On the other hand it increases my anxiety and my vulnerability to a level that at times makes me panic and puts fear into the very core of my being. I start to fear losing him, or being rejected somehow by him. I fear that he fell in love with the “perfect” version of me, and the “not so perfect” version of me topped with all kinds of insecurities that rears its ugly head at times will drive him away from me. I know I have to have faith in the unconditional love we have for each other.

Leo is such a wonderful husband; he has never given me any reason to feel insecure, inadequate, or contributed to my anxieties in any way. This is all my own doing, experiences from my past, and fear of losing everything that I found that I have always wanted and needed in my life. Leo has done an excellent job of pushing away the crazy notion of perfection that I have had that I inherited. He has accepted and loved me for who I am and who I really want to be. At times I can’t help wanting to “give it all” to him and my family. I want Leo to come home to a clean, peaceful, relaxing home. I want to be the wife and mom who has dinner ready, bakes cookies (lol-I’m a terrible baker even though I love to cook), reads stories every night, looks beautiful for my husband and is there for his every need and desire. Sometimes I try so hard in all of these areas that it all goes out the window. I guess the stress attached to “wanting it all”, and “wanting to be super-wife/mom” catches up to me.

The funny thing is, Leo is so simple. He is not a fancy guy or hard to please at all. It really takes so little to satisfy him and make him happy. Leo is happy with a tuna sandwich or cereal for dinner at times. He doesn’t get angry if the house is “not so perfect” at times. He loves when I’m relaxed and comfortable in sweats. He hates to get dressed up and sit through anything formal. He can’t stand fake people, and is the most down-to-earth person I know. He loves mountain biking, craves to be outdoors, and would love to own a pick-up truck! He is spiritual, faithful to God and me, the best father in the world, and I am the luckiest girl alive! What more could I possibly ask for? I am so comfortable with Leo, love our family motto of “let’s keep it simple”, and have finally found peace in the midst of my “not so peaceful” upbringing and unrealistic ideas of perfection that have driven me to the anxiety I experience at times.

What I am starting to realize is that I have to channel my energy towards peace and attaining peace. Maybe I need yoga, or I need to talk to someone. I hope I don’t need medication, although I know a lot of women who find it helpful. I have been working on my spirituality and my relationship to God. I have tried to put my worries in his hands and focus on being happy. I know it’s a work in progress. I want it all and I want it now….and I know that is unrealistic. I have to take baby steps and let it unfold the way it is supposed to. In many ways this blog has been so helpful. It has served as a place to journal my thoughts and feelings and communicate them through writing. I have never done this. Instead I have held on to everything on the inside which in turn increased my anxiety to a level of “unmanageable”. ttwd or “tweed” J has given us a tool to control the anxiety as well. My anxiety before ttwd would just get Leo anxious as well which would start spinning the wheel that at times felt like couldn’t be stopped. Spanking has helped me realize that I need to focus on the things that matter, stop the contagious anxiety that I don’t want to pass down to my children, and it has relieved my stress. It is helping me to correct bad habits I have that need to be addressed. I am smart enough to realize that it can’t be the only tool though. That would only serve as “temporary relief” and possibly mask deeper issues that I need to focus on correcting by other means. Spanking definitely increases endorphins, puts me in a calm state, and increases my love and respect for my husband. I love that he is in control and all of this combined really has allowed me to worship my husband in a way I never have before. Leo says that I need “anxiety spankings” J, that they are healthy for me. Hmm…I wonder if there could be a link to spanking and overall health? Wouldn’t that be interesting research? From what I have read in other blogs, spanking can help with a number of health related issues as well as marital issues. Imagine seeking professional help one day and being prescribed a “good sound spanking”. Imagine all kinds of problems that could be solved by this simple remedy!

I really don't understand! (by Leo)

2010-12-14T13:57:00.000-08:00

It happens every single time, anytime the house starts getting a little bit messy or things start getting a little out of place, Judy will unvariably start running around the house fuming out the ears in what has over the years been described as “cleaning rage”. For me, order, cleanliness and organization have always been an important part of conserving one’s sanity, but sometimes having only one or two non-consecutive days off a week, makes it very hard for me to want to help during my spare time. Knowing how important it is to Judy for the house to be clean, we have a cleaning lady that comes regularly. I really try to help, Judy can attest to this, and by no means am I to be considered a messy person. If something needs to be taken care of, well, so be it! End of story. No whining, complaining or anger is necessary. I wish I could somehow make Judy understand, but she is so enveloped in her anger, that no reason or understanding will be reached while she is in such a state. Instead I briefly present to you a list of the most common phrases that come out of her mouth during such episodes, (warning: some content will sound very familiar…):

1. It’s not fair that I am stuck doing all the cleaning!!!%&#@!!!

2. This place looks like a pig sty!!!

3. I have the messiest family in the world!

4. You are very inconsiderate.

5. None of you are helping.

I understand the frustration of wanting to keep the house clean, but the reality of our situation is that we have a 5 year old and a baby, Daddy works looong hours and has one hell of a commute home and mommy usually gets the urge to clean at the worst possible times. I have also noticed a pattern, whenever there seems to be something troubling Judy, cleaning the house seems to be her way of getting her mind off of things. As you may know, Judy has recently been troubled with a couple of medical issues and I know that this has had her in a state of chronic worry. Judy has been researching everything about her condition, reading every obscure blog or discussion board and generally overwhelming herself with information and worst-case scenarios. An informed patient is either a good thing or a really bad thing. Sometimes what is published in mainstream media serves more as a way to spread panic than a way to better patient’s treatments. As a word of general advice, trust your Doctor, and if you are lucky to have one as a spouse like Judy, at least listen to him, he is not uninterested in what you have to say, he just usually has a better grip on actual useful medical information. Oh, and for the record, Oprah is NOT a reliable source of medical information! Along those lines, Judy, you were prescribed medication and I know for a fact that you didn’t take it today. This will cost you! Where are my Post-its?

Move over dark clouds!

2010-12-08T13:21:00.000-08:00

Leo is getting too good at ttwd. Yesterday was a very productive day. I dropped Jake off at school, went to the post office and sent out all our Christmas cards, went to the bank, picked up some groceries, filled a prescription, called and made some dr.’s appointments we needed, and went home and started laundry and straightening up the house. I did this all by 10:00 a.m. I was feeling mighty proud of myself. Leo called around 11:00 to see how the baby and I were doing and how things were going. I started rambling off all that I accomplished, and as I got to the part about making an appointment for his dr., he says with disappointment in his voice “oh….I guess I have to cross that one off of my list”. I couldn’t believe it!!! He was keeping another post-it note list for our maintenance session for that evening! To top it off, he seemed upset that he wasn’t going to be able to “get me” for something that he thought I’d forget to do for him. Isn’t this considered “entrapment”? Uh oh, I thought to myself….he is really starting to like this dynamic of our relationship and is obviously enjoying being able to “get me” for something by means of spanking! The spanking part is great when it’s just an “I love you spanking” or a really long warm-up spanking, but lately “maintenance” has been tied in with “punishment” thanks to his creative post-it list! I get nervous when pulls out my enemy…..the paddle! My mind started racing….what else could possibly be on that list? Hmm…I thought back to last week’s maintenance and replayed the list in my head. Dry cleaning….check. Phone….check. Jazzercise….no, but I had schedule conflicts

all week and had let him know ahead of time…check. Nail clippers….check. I think I was pretty much in the clear maybe I could get one of those really nice spankings instead…..but wait there was something….what was it?…

Then it hit me. Panic. I knew what was going to be on that list for sure. Sunday, I lost my keys. I had just updated the blog about our lovely weekend and I was feeling warm and fuzzy, and I was getting ready to pick up the kids from my parent’s house. I was ready to leave with my boots and coat on and went to grab my keys from the little basket we put on the console table specifically because of past situations like this one. I have been so good about my keys since Leo’s mom brought us this colorful weaved basket/bowl from South America back in June.

There had been no incidents until now. I have been notorious for forgetfulness and misplacing my keys in the past. There had been times when I have been in a fit of rage looking for my misplaced keys all over the house. I have been late to places because of lost keys. I have gotten snippy and got everyone all worked up and stressed out because of my lost keys. I know it’s because I try to do a million and one things and I unconsciously put them somewhere as I’m bringing in the groceries or running to answer the phone, or running from room to room “getting things done”. How could this be? I asked myself. I have been so good with my keys for so long! My time off of work, flylady routines, and our commitment to dd have really helped with my organizational skills that I so desperately needed to improve. At this point, I’m already late in picking up the kids, and I know my parents had somewhere to be shortly. I started to panic (which is something else I’m very good at doing). I tried retracing my steps. I hadn’t driven my car since Friday because Leo was home Saturday and he drove us in his car. I looked everywhere (even the fridge, as I had found them there once) and I could not find them. I called my parents and told them what was going on. My mom checked the diaper bag, no luck. I heard my dad upset at me in the background saying “she lost her keys again!” My parents said they would bring the kids over. I continued to look everywhere, no luck. I called Leo at work. He remained calm while I proceeded to panic. He told me to continue looking and that he would check his car during lunch to see if they may have fallen out of my purse while we were in there on Saturday. I looked everywhere, but could not find them. Luckily I remembered that I had a valet key for the car that was filed with the car title. I was somewhat relieved knowing that I could drive even if I had to manually open the doors and trunk with the key. This totally sucks though because it is freezing outside and I don’t have the automatic door/trunk opener to open the doors to get the kids in, and to pop the trunk open to put the stroller in ( I had lost the second set of keys with the automatic lock/unlock months before). I was able to get to the store and get a few things that we needed for dinner for that night though. Fast forward to the evening; Leo came home and searches his car…no luck. He searches the inside of my car… no luck. He got a flashlight and shovel and went through the huge garbage can and recycling can in the garage…. No luck. He came back into the house looked at me and said “this is definitely going on the list!” I saw the annoyance in his eyes and knew better to say anything.

Monday I was able to drive and looked for the keys everywhere….under the couches, chairs, table, drawers, and still no luck. I had a feeling that they are somewhere so stupid. Yesterday, I had accomplished a lot, I still hadn’t found my keys but started to forget all about the incident until I was reminded about “the list” in the morning. I continued cleaning, folding, I made dinner, and picked up Jake from school. As I was driving home with Jake and the baby, my cell phone rang. I answered it and it was the doctor’s office calling me with some results I had been waiting for but forgot about. He wanted me to come in to talk about the “abnormal results” he got back. I quickly made the appointment for that evening so that Leo could come with. Overwhelming emotions got the best of me, and I started to cry in the car. I felt like a dark cloud just came over me. I called Leo at work, and he immediately heard my voice and knew something was wrong. I told him about the phone call. He said not to worry and that I was jumping to conclusions. He left work right away to come home.

I could not think straight for the rest of the day. I started to google all about what could possibly be the reason for these abnormal results, which of course put me in another state of panic. Leo came home and tried comforting me. We ate dinner and went to the doctor’s office. The doctor said that he will have to do some more tests next week and not to worry. Leo and the doctor talked, and I of course only understood half of the terminology they were using. When I got back to the car, I start to google again on my ipad which upsets Leo. “I don’t want you looking up anything else, you are over-reacting” he said. I was still so obviously upset by what had happened, when Leo said “Are you ready for maintenance tonight?” All I kept thinking was this man is joking right? I was feeling pretty low, he wouldn’t spank me in this state….would he?

We came home, got everything ready for the next day, and all I wanted to do was get into bed and have Leo put his arms around me and tell me everything was going to be ok and not let go. I felt uneasy and emotional. We got into bed, and Leo held me. I started to cry. He told me not to worry, and that nothing was going to happen to me. I wanted to believe him. After holding me for a little bit, he said “come on, let’s go downstairs”. I was tired. I was upset. The last thing I wanted was a spanking. He asked me for a glass of water, his usual request….but tonight it upset me. Oh well, I thought to myself…let’s get this over with. Over his knee I went. “I love you Judy,” Leo always starts out saying that. “I love you too” I said. I buried my head in the pillow as he spanked away. His slaps hurt, but I knew that it was just a warm-up and wouldn’t compare to how bad it would hurt with the implements he would use as soon as the warm-up was over. After a while, I expected him to “get to his list”, but he didn’t. He just continued with the warm-up. He was spanking faster and harder, but it didn’t hurt as much as it did in the beginning. He kept spanking for a long time. I felt completely relaxed. “I am still going to address a couple things on the list, but I changed my mind about your spanking tonight” Leo informed me. “You need this more”, he said as he continued. This was good, I thought. Eventually he got to the list, and yes….losing my keys was on there, and he made sure I “felt” those, but it definitely wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. “I think you are starting to enjoy this more then I do” I told him. “I do, and I think it helps you organize your thoughts and feel less stressed,” he said. Wow, I never thought that Leo would “get it” that quickly. I knew that he would like the changes that ttwd has brought, and I knew that it has caused tons of “sparks” in the bedroom, but what I didn’t expect was for him to totally understand this need I have, or for it to become his need as well. It is so obvious that Leo loves me to no end. He is willing to do anything for me, and now I completely know that he “gets me”. What a wonderful and fulfilling feeling!

I married an awesome man, and I thank God for him every day. Leo knew exactly what I needed after what had happened, and if I hadn’t received that last night, then I think that dark cloud would still be above me today. I know that I’m nervous about some tests that I’m going to have next week, but I also know that I’m not alone, and I feel that I’m going to be fine.

Unfortunately, when it rains…it pours. The bad thing that happened this morning was, our baby Joshie, woke up with a full blown case of croup that came out of nowhere.

I took him to his doctor this morning, and he is on steroids, but if his condition doesn’t improve by this evening, we have to take him to the hospital to be observed for 24 hours. It is the saddest thing when your kids get sick. It’s like you want to take all of their pain away from them and suffer for them so they don’t have to. Through the seal-like coughs and wheezing, Joshie has been smiling at me when he has been awake today…..it breaks my heart. Watching the baby being sick today has made me realize that life is unpredictable and precious, and can’t be wasted worrying. I need to do a better job of letting go of my anxieties and handing them over to God in faith. God has taken care of us so far, and I have faith that he will continue to do so. Even through the challenges, life is good.

Date night

2010-12-05T07:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a pretty busy day for our family, which seems to be the general theme for us. Leo took the day off, and in the morning he helped my dad with a charity race that his organization does every year. I guess this is their time to bond, which I know my father appreciates since I have no other brothers or sisters.

Before the race, we woke up to a 'winter wonderland' outside. The first snow of the season is always exciting, especially for Jake who was rushing to finish his pancakes so that he could help Leo shovel the snow. I was told "Mom, this is guy stuff! You can't help." Leo is teaching him well. :-) I just hope his enthusiasm for shoveling extends beyond the sweet age of five.

Although beautiful and exciting for awhile, snow is not my thing. As I watched them shoveling through the window, I thought that it would be so nice to retire somewhere warm! We have a rough plan for our future, and it includes to continue making bigger mortgage payments through our mortgage accelerator program and increase our retirement contributions each year. We are definitely not "numbers people" nor do we make crazy money, but we try to be smart with what we have so that we can enjoy life now as well as later. Modesty is the key. We read a really good book that was very helpful called, Smart Couples Finish Rich, by David Bach. I highly recommend it to anyone, no matter where you are on your journey. My dream is to retire at a reasonable age. To be able to wake up every morning with Leo, walk along the beach and relax doing the things we love. I think it's so important to have goals and dreams and not get so
wrapped up in day to day life that you forget why are what it is you are working towards. This also doesn't mean to forget about the season you are in either. I know that right now it's about enjoying my kids, family, friends, having a healthy and active lifestyle, a rewarding and meaningful career, spending time with Leo, and focussing on strengthening our faith and also ensuring that our home be a place of warmth and relaxation. I know that when I get thrown off balance, I have to remind myself how lucky I am to have been blessed with everyone and everything I have in my life, and re-focus. I am grateful that I have a wonderful husband to 'remind' me and help me get on track too.

After Leo helped my father with the race (I felt bad for the runners with all that snow!),he came home, we ate lunch, and then took the kids to a Christmas event they were having the next town over. We took pictures with Santa, made ornaments, drank hot cocoa, and went on a horse-drawn sleigh ride around the lake. It started to snow again and it looked like a scene right out of a movie! Just beautiful. We had to keep the baby bundled and wrapped up though because the snow was really coming down and we were getting wet! I will remember this ride forever. I even got someone to take a picture and it turned out awesome with snow falling all over us! I am planning on getting a frame for it!

Later that night we took the kids to my parents house where they were spending the night. (yay for grandma and grandpa!) We had our book club/date night that we go to once a month at our church. Every month we discuss a couple chapters from a book we are all reading, and then they give us questions to discuss as a couple over dinner. We went out to dinner (love restaurants.com) and had a great conversation. I absolutely love our church and I look forward to our date nights because it's so nice to have a conversation about a book that pertains to our lives and goals rather then having the same old conversation about kids ect.... Something different and beneficial to our marriage. After a nice dinner and a couple glasses of wine, we went home. It was only 8:30, but we had such a full day. It was nice not having the responsibilities of bedtime with the kids for a change. We laid in bed, snuggled, and flipped through a few channels. Leo said that it was time for my "I love you spanking". I smiled because I love all the different types of spankings he has come up with. I crawled over his lap and he made sure that I felt his love! After I felt his love, we "felt each other's love" some more. :-) It was so comforting to fall asleep in his arms. This morning I felt some "more love" bright and early as Leo had to wake up for work. It's Sunday and it stinks that he had to work today! I got up and made Leo breakfast and lunch for him to take with him. I wish we could have slept in late today especially since we had no children to wake us up! I take comfort in knowing that Leo's schedule won't always be so unpredictable. The project he is currently running demands the clinic be open on saturdays and some Sundays which gives him some weekdays off. Hopefully when this project finishes in the near future, he can have a little more time off on weekends....I pray! Well, anyways, our time together and our time as a family was great this weekend. I know I have rambled, and I apologize. I really feel that things are going great in all aspects of our life and I love how dd is helping in shaping that as well. I have so much love, admiration and respect for Leo, and it's a wonderful feeling! Life is good!

Leo's evil post-it note!

2010-12-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

As promised by Leo, last night was "maintenance night". Leo arrived home for dinner with flowers in one hand, and a grin and a post-it note in the other. "What's on the post-it note?" I asked. "My list for our maintenance later on" he replied with a smirk. "What!?!?" I answered in disbelief. "I told you I'd be keeping my eye open for details this week, and I didn't want to forget them," he kept smirking.

At first, I found the whole idea quite humorous. You see, Leo is not a "detailed" kind of guy....he's more of "the big picture" guy. He also forgets things very easily. If anyone stresses over things big and small, that is usually me. I'm still trying to find balance. Most the time, I tend to be a constant "worrier" usually trying to juggle way too many things at once. Then sometimes I just "crash and burn" and then I want to do nothing. I know this upsets Leo. He wishes I would just slow down and relax. I see his point, and I am working really hard to find that balance. A while back, I told him that it really upsets me when he acts happy and proud on the days where I've crashed and burned. Here I am feeling miserable that I didn't accomplish anything I needed to all day and I'm still not dressed, and he says "Good, you needed to do nothing, and you are so beautiful in sweats with no make-up". Sometimes I have felt that in Leo's eyes I can do no wrong. That I'm perfect in every way. Although flattering and I know I'm lucky to have such an easy-going guy that most women wish they had, I really need Leo to help me so I can maintain that balance that is so important to me and our family.

So when he presented me with a list of what I was being spanked for that night, I was surprised to say the least. I was also a little nervous and uneasy when I was told to follow him downstairs and he had the hairbrush, paddle and the belt in his hands. "Umm this is MAINTENANCE, not a PUNISHMENT", I tried to remind him. "Yes, and don't forget that you are not in control, nor do you decide which implements I can or can't use" he reminded me back. He was right, he's in control, and I have to trust him. So over his knee I went, and he placed the sticky post-it note to my back if you can believe it! He started with a warm-up first before mentioning any items on his list. I have to say I remembered a time when the warm-up went on forever and was the spanking! Now that he is getting good at this, it feels as if warm-ups hurt way too fast and are over way too fast!

Now for the items on the list" he said as he grabbed the hairbrush. "There was a charge on our account for jazzercise, how many times have you gone in the past two weeks?" oh shit, I thought, surely I had to have gone at least once.....I was thinking. My response was too slow because it was followed by a series of hairbrush stings placed on my sit spot. "owwwww!!!! I couldn't have gone, I had surgery on my back". Who was I kidding? This made my husband, (who's a doctor) laugh. "Judy, you had a birth mark removed, not surgery!" "It still bothered me!" I pleaded. "How much have we spent on jazzercize?" he curiously asked "$135 so far" I answered. "And how many classes have you been to?" "6" I answered. My answer brought on another series of hairbrush stings. "Judy, I don't care about the jazzercise, but I do care that you start something and then don't finish it. Are you going to go?" "Yes". I answered. "Good, now let's talk about your blackberry phone". he said moving to the next item on the list. ("Talk"? I thought to myself) "You just got a new phone last Saturday, and managed to break it on Monday!" Leo stated. "It was an accident". I said "Judy, you need to slow down, I know it was an accident and you knocked off the counter, but I know it probably happened because you were rushing to do something. Stop all the rushing and trying to accomplish everything in one day! How much is the insurance going to cost to replace the phone?" Leo inquired. "$89" I said. "Then I'm going to give you 89 spanks" he insisted. "Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!" I insisted. What happened next was probably the funniest part of the spanking..... Leo spanked as light and as fast as he could with the hairbrush until he got to 79 and then the last 10 hurt like hell, but we were both laughing. "If you have to get another phone, trust me, you will feel all 89. Do you understand?" he asked me. "Yes", I said as I made a mental note to buy a cover as soon as possible.

The rest of the items on the list consisted of me forgetting once again his dry cleaning, "hiding his nail clippers", and one that upset me because it had to do with keeping in touch with friends that he claims I'm terrible at (but that's a whole 'nother post in itself). He used the paddle sparingly...only to "drive his points home". By the end of the spanking, my butt was pretty sore, but all was right again....as always. As we were getting up, he saw his belt he forgot to use! "Bend over" he said.... "No way, we are done!" I argued. Then I got the look, so I knew better to argue. "These last few are going to be a reminder to you that I'm the one in control." Leo said with a matter of fact tone. He only gave me about ten, and although they weren't too hard, they stung because of our session we had just had! Of course I can't complain too much because if I do, he just asks "Are you complaining?...because if you are we can start all over again." Um... no thank you. Spankings are starting to really hurt!!! And how did he get so good at this whole thing so fast? I think I have created my own monster! As I'm sitting here writing this post (on a sore bottom I may add), I got a text from Leo saying "I hope your butt stings all day and it reminds you of me!" Thank you Audra for encouraging him to send me "reminders" during the day. lol :-) The sun is out today and I feel great! I feel as if I can take on the world! Oh boy, I better slow down and NOT try to do everything today.... :-)

Much needed quality time (Leo)

2010-11-29T07:49:00.000-08:00

I was finally able to spend some real quality time with Judy and the kids over Thanksgiving break, it has been a long time and I believe, the longest stretch I have been able to be with our newborn son during his short life. Coming to work after that has been somewhat of a challenge, I find myself thinking about how nice it would be to be able to sleep till late curled up with Judy. I recently requested she go to bed sans panties just in case I feel the mid-night urge to give her a good smack on the butt....or other things.... :-) It has worked wonders for night time relaxation, one side effect being that I am now so fully rested and relaxed that by the morning I tend to sleep through the snooze alarm. Thank God for the baby, he usually wakes up at 5:00 A.M. on the dot crying for his bottle, so I have still been able to get to work on time.
It’s the little things that make us tick, and being able to be there during the family day to day has provided me with the best vacation experience in years. As I sit by myself in my office at work, I can’t help but wonder what Judy is up to. I am so incredibly close to her, she has been so good to me! I must add that we really didn’t do anything special over Thanksgiving break, but just being able to spend time with her was fantastic.
Does this mean I will be cutting Judy some slack for all her little shortcomings for the week? Of course not!!! Judy, I know you sometimes prefer to communicate by speaking to me via the blog so don’t think that because I started this post by being sweet, I will spare your rosy cheeks some pain for breaking your blackberry phone (the second one in 7 days!) or by not going to the fitness classes you so enthusiastically signed up for just a few weeks ago, or how about not taking care of the dry cleaning??? Are these few cases against you petty? Absolutely!!! Will I be looking for other small stuff to hold you accountable for? You bet!!! I will make sure our next session will be one to remember. I will in the words of our fellow bloggers, “bring the sting”!!!
I love you baby!
P.S. I don’t think this whole thing is a game.

So much to be thankful for!

2010-11-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. We had two Thanksgivings to attend, so by the time we got home, we were exhausted! It's so hard to please everyone in our families we have realized Next year Leo mentioned something about renting a cabin and going away to celebrate. Although that sounds perfect, there will be no doubt that we will have major guilt trips put on us. The wonderful meaning behind Thanksgiving is really what matters, not the football games, stuffing your face and trying to cram a whole lot of family in one day. We are really trying to move away from all the stress and are trying to keep it simple! With all the craziness, I have had time to reflect and really thank God for all the wonderful people he has given me in my life. My husband is my rock and I love him with all my heart and soul. I am thankful that he is trying and doing a wonderful job in his role as head of our family. It's a wonderful and secure feeling knowing that my husband is in contol. I am thankful for my two beautiful boys. Jake and Joshie. I want to be the best mom for them in the world. I am thankful that I have had much needed time off for my maternity leave, and I still have another month and a half to go before I go back to school. Joshie has been the best baby ever, and with the amount of time he sleeps, thanks to flylady I have gotten a lot organized and accomplished. I am thankful that we are finally going down to South America after Christmas to visit Leo's family for 12 days! I am thankful for the iPad Leo surprised me with as an early Christmas gift! I am thankful for our family meetings and for the fifteen minutes of cleaning each night my family has given me! I feel truly blessed and for that I am forever thankful! I am also thankful that I have made friends through this blog and have felt so welcomed. DD has made a big impact and I am glad that I have the support of this community. Oh, and I am very thankful for all the much needed spankings I have received! I wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving weekend and wonderful black Friday deals! As for me, I got very overwhelmed with all the sales, and I don't know if I will make it shopping with all the craziness today, which may save me in the end from a spanking, because I can see the potential damage! lol

Unnecessary Comments (Leo)

2010-11-22T09:17:00.001-08:00

It has come to my attention that comments have been left on this blog that seem to be disconnected with the whole purpose of our postings. This is a site created by Judy and I to express ourselves as we navigate through the sometimes confusing and uncharted waters of DD. Our small musings seem to have attracted some dubious characters that seem to be browsing the web for some kind of random free soft-core porn/erotica, and to them I say: please stay away and refrain from commenting. To our fellow bloggers and followers who might notice that some comments have been deleted, please understand that we are trying to keep this a very personal and honest blog, any changes have been made to keep the tone and setting a great place to share stories about life and marriage. We love and appreciate all your input. See you in Blogland!

Knocking down walls

2010-11-20T12:19:00.000-08:00

Yes, there was tension in the air the other day driving in the car. It was so thick and apparent and hard to hide like I had successfully done the prior days before. I tried to hide it and act like nothing was wrong because I felt embarrassed that it effected me the way it did. I felt choked up with emotions that I had no idea why I was feeling the way I did.

I felt so many things, but mostly upset that I was feeling this way. Why? Why couldn't I control the way I was feeling? I felt trapped. I couldn't hide under the covers, or run to the bathroom to have a quick cry and then come out as if nothing had happened. I had pushed my feelings deep down for the past few days, so now they were bubbling to the top ready to boil over. I had to remove myself from the heat if I didn't want to be exposed. Luckily for me, that was possible. We had done our long list of errands together, and it was time for us to split to accomplish the rest. I had a hair appointment, and Leo had a dentist appointment. We were to meet at my parents home for dinner where my mom was watching the kids. Time away is all I needed to occupy my mind with other things and compose myself. Dinner took my mind off of it. Coming home and making lunches, putting the kids to bed ect...made me busy and took my mind off of it. "Now, if only I could get to bed, snuggle with Leo, watch some t.v. and forget all about it, I'll be safe" is what I thought to myself.
Mission almost accomplished. "What's the matter Judy?" Leo asked "I know you, and I know something's been bothering you all day". "Nothing, I'm fine" I said as I felt those bubbling feelings rise to the surface. I tried not to look at him knowing that it would do me in. He rolled on top of me and again said "tell me, you are shutting me out". Ughh...here we go. "I don't know where to start, I feel so silly and embarrassed. We were suppose to have maintenance last Saturday, today is Tuesaday. You haven't mentioned one word about anything. I've had such a stressful week last week, and you haven't acknowledged it". I feel so silly about this whole arrangement." Leo said "Is that what has been bothering you? Why didn't you say anything? I was working all weekend and I thought you were just as tired as I was. I'm sorry, I had no idea you would feel this way. You know that I really think this is helping us right?" We spent the next few minutes talking and snuggling, and I was beginning to feel the emotions cool down inside. It was settled that tommorrow we would "catch up" and I was informed that there "was a lot that needed to be addressed".
The next morning I got a phone call. "check your blog". I cheked it to see that he posted something that morning. I was kind of surprised that it was his second post in a row and that I have been the one "slacking" in my posts. I guess he was trying to reassure me that I had nothing to worry about and that he was definately on board. I thought that it was sweet.
Later that night I was told to follow him downstairs to the couch where we were having our "discussion". Leo thinks it's a great idea to "have talks" during the actual spanking....which makes it very hard for me to "escape" from answering him. Our maintenence consisted of usual weekly business we agreed on. This week I had missed too many jazzercise classes, didn't finish organizing my closet, and paid the water bill late. Those were the expected items on the list....

What I didn't expect when he finished with those items was the discussion that went like this; "Let's discuss the walls you built up this week" followed by a half a dozen smacks with the dreaded paddle. "I didn't mean to, oww.. oww...owwie" as he continued. "No More Walls, Judy, and I will make sure I knock them down" as he continued on for what seemed like an eternity. "Ok" I said. He finally stopped. He hugged me for a while. It was what I needed. I felt better, I felt the anxiety go away, I felt relieved, I felt loved and so close to Leo.
I guess these feelings I have are inevitable at times. I have to push my pride aside and learn to tell my husband if I am upset or what it is I'm feeling. I know I would feel a whole lot better if he could just read my mind so I didn't have to say anything, but I know that even though he knows me well, that he is not a mind reader.

Tension (Leo)

2010-11-17T07:02:00.000-08:00

As I sat down in the car, I knew what was going on. Something was off and the tension in the air confirmed it with each passing second. I had not held up my end of the bargain. A scheduled session had been missed, and somehow I thought that Judy would not need an explanation, she would just understand that I had been busy, too tired from a long day at work to have our weekly maintenance meeting. Why is it that us guys think that explanations are not needed? After a long day of asking, are you ok? Is there something bothering you? with the corresponding, “No, everything is fine, I’m ok.” We got home , cleaned up the house, fed the dog, made next day’s lunches, put the kids to bed and finally savored five minutes of quiet just lying in bed. I reached out for her and asked, Judy, hon, what is really bothering you. Cue the waterworks.
She told me how disappointed she feels if I make a promise and not keep it. To me it was a miscommunication, to her it was neglect. A breech of contract if you will. I will never skip our meetings again. Unless there’s a good reason, and believe me it better be a good reason. Full explanations will be due.
So, not wanting to disappoint, I held her close and tight. Reassured her, re-connected with her and gave her a few good smacks. A sneak-peek of this night’s catch up session from last week. It was fantastic, it was amazing as always, to be so close to my everything and to have this special connection with her no one else knows about. I’ll be home at 5pm…I can’t wait!

Looking back (by Leo)

2010-11-11T08:27:00.000-08:00

As is our ongoing family philosophy of not believing in baby steps, with these first words I officially start my contribution to Judy’s blog.

What can I say about my beautiful wife Judy? Where to begin on someone who means everything to me? We have been together for over a few years now, but we’ve been through so much during our still young marriage. Looking back, it seems incredible to me that what once seemed as the most unlikely meeting by chance has now proved to be the love of my life and the mother to my children. Judy is my home, my family and my sense of sanity. Nothing becomes real until I have talked to Judy about it. She is my sense of security and my motivation and at the end of the day, and we have some really long days, the one person that truly knows me.

And it was one day a few months ago when out of the blue Judy opened up about this DD thing. At first I took it as being as just something fun that we could do to keep things fun and interesting. Spanking? No problem. What guy on earth doesn’t enjoy smacking a perfectly shaped butt, or the lingering sting on the palm of my hand or the pink cheek aftermath. And believe me, Judy has a great butt. The physicality of such a simple, basic act was just so marvelously satisfying that I could not see any real depth or meaning to the whole process. How things have changed…

Having been raised in a very traditional Latin family the whole HOH title was something that was always set in the back of my head as just something I would eventually grow in to. But with Judy it has become something that is expected and something I am now being held accountable for.

We went through a short rough period of me being out of a job. Being unemployed can be a very humbling experience and one that can really shred feelings of worth or self-value. Judy very stoically had taken the leadership of our family, not because she wanted to, but because she had to. Since then, our circumstances have changed, I have a wonderful, fulfilling job with a great future and things finally seem to be moving in the right direction for us.

This whole thing, this whole lifestyle, seems like another step towards restoring the natural order of things. It’s not sexist, it’s not me wanting to hold my wife back or trying to ignite the ire of feminists. It’s an agreement, a bond, of me and Judy taking responsibility and pushing each other to be better. I have never loved my wife more. She is my everything