One year blogging anniversary!

It's hard to believe that it has been a year since I stopped lurking and started my own blog.  What started out as self-discovery and taboo desires have turned into much more then I ever imagined!  The communication that Leo and I have with each other now is so  much more effective and meaningful.  We have gained tools to help move us forward when we are stuck, arguing, emotional, or just need to get over something and move on.  Our roles have become more defined and we are very happy and comfortable in the roles we have.  Before dd, it was hard to move past certain arguments, because at times we cared more about who was right then what was right for our marriage.  We have been able to focus on the big picture and not sweat the small stuff.  Not to mention our sex-life has only gotten hotter from our new defined roles!

Leo has been a trooper from the beginning.  When I first started researching and reading other people's blogs, I had ideas of how I wanted things to be like.  I showed him countless articles and posts and talked, talked talked about what I wanted.  The novelty has worn off, and in it's place I have gained a sense of security and fulfilment in how we have defined and incorporated dd in our own marriage.  It has become so much more exciting and fulfilling to be accepting and happy with exactly how things are going.  I have realized that fantasy and reality are two separate entities, and I don't want fantasy because reality has been so much more fulfilling.
I have had the chance to make new friends and share my experiences with others as well as listen to other women's experiences.  This has been priceless because outside of this community I could never imagine sharing such intimacy with the friends I have in my life.  I have gained confidence and validation along with hopefully passing on validation to others as well.  I feel more secure and accepting of our lifestyle and no longer feel the need to constantly pick it apart or try to shove it into our marriage the way I see fit.  I guess I have become more submissive!  (I bet Leo would argue that somewhat :-)
I have learned to go with the flow more and I absolutely love how our marriage works!
I love and respect my husband with all my heart and I am so grateful that I let my walls down and gave myself to him on every level.

I may not post as often as I would like, and I have struggled with that.  I have come to the realization that I need to take the pressure off of myself and write when I can. I am really going to try to become more active in blog land, but sometimes the reality of a teaching job, my family and every other commitment that I have take over.  I think I am okay with letting myself off the hook and not feeling guilty.  I think my writer's block came from the fact that I felt so guilty that I have been reaping the benefits of such a wonderful new way of life and not being able to share it the way I wanted to.  I am going to try to let go of that and see if that will take the pressure of blogging.
I am very grateful that I have taken chances and that my husband has been on board with me every step of the way.  I know that through the ups and downs we will be able to get through anything!

"Trying to get back into blogging....Neme"

I don't know if I have "writer's block" or have just been "unmotivated" lately with blogging, but I saw this last week on many of the blogs and thought that maybe this would be a good way to give it a try again.  I really miss sharing my experiences with ttwd!  Leo has been very patient, but at the same time anxious that I post again.  So, here it goes...

What is your screen name?       Judy

How long have you been practicing TTWD?        a year and a half

What is your astrological sign?            Libra

In what part of the country do you live?           Midwest

Do you have children?            Two boys

Do you have grandchildren?        No

What is your favorite color?      To wear: blues, greens and black.  To decorate: greens and rustic earth tones.

What is your favorite day of the week?      Any day I have with my family.

Morning or Evening?          Evening

Favorite TV Show?      I was a huge LOST fan, trying to get into Mad Men, Extreme Couponing,

Favorite pro sport?         Hockey

Favorite Ice Cream?       Coffee

Person from Blogland you'd like to meet?    I was fortunate to meet a few :-)  I'd love to meet Rogue, Stormy, Tammy, Mick and Sara....and pretty much everybody!  I think it's pretty interesting to put a "face" to the blog. :-)

First person who welcomed you to blogging?        Mick and Tammy

Title of your first blog entry?        The beginning

What are you wearing on your feet right now?    barefoot!

What are you listening to right now?      My baby and his musicbox

Chocolate or Vanilla?          Dark Chocolate

Coffee or Tea?         Coffee and Tea!

Favorite non-alcoholic drink?       Coke Zero

Favorite alcoholic drink?           Pinot Noir and pretty much any red wine!

Favorite vacation spot?          anywhere "all inclusive" on the beach!

Favorite Holiday?          4th of July

Favorite season?           Spring, Summer and Fall

Place you want to visit?        The Mediterranean

If you had to start all over again, would you still choose TTWD?      Yes, couldn't imagine keeping that a secret forever!

Best piece of advice you can pass on about  TTWD?    It's so different for every couple.  Be careful not to have unrealistic expectations and try not to compare yourselves to others in blogland. :-)

Quick update (Leo)

Hello, everybody!!! I hope we are still on the blogosphere’s radar even though we have not had a new post in months. Life happens, and happens and happens. We were very fortunate to kick off our summer months with a visit from our fellow bloggers and it was definitely a dinner to remember. Judy and I have had a really tough couple of months, but fortunately we had a chance to catch our breath, reconnect and re-spank. I love Judy, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We had a specially memorable session over the weekend. It was the rare occasion we didn’t have the kids, our families don’t seem too enthusiastic about keeping our kids overnight to give us a break, so it was a real treat to be in the house with Judy all by ourselves. It had been some time since we had a good session. Our roles had been diluted by the infinite little issues of everyday life. There had been moments when being a parent had overtaken being an HOH, and we were starting to feel it. Judy really needs the reassurance of having me be there for her. When she doesn’t get any attention, she damn sure makes I notice it. She gets a little bit sassier and smart alicky when she talks back to me. I generally don’t mind a little playful banter, but it was starting to get bad. So that night, we crawled in bed, had some fun and as I looked into her beautiful green eyes, I caught a glimpse into what it is that makes us so perfect for each other. There it was, that spark, that connection that beautiful relationship we’ve had from the beginning, that ability to feel great just because she’s with me. Gone was the craziness of everyday life, the time constraints, the overloads at work, the tornado, the house and the mortgage. I was there for her, and she was there for me. I could feel the heat from her pink slapped butt as I held her tight next to me. She fell asleep, my hand was sore. We were back to our old selves. In our next episode, Leo and Judy finally give in and buy a minivan, feel really dorky about it, and then realize lots of space = plenty of room for DD escapades!

A Spanking and a Glass of Wine

During the past four days I have been spanked four times. This may break the record. Some of it was for maintenance, some of the reasons had to do with respect, coming to bed too late, leaving jewelry all around the house, and leaving the lights on all over the house.  Regardless of the many reasons, all of them have been a much needed stress relief for both of us.

Last night's spanking was fueled by Pinot Noir, my favorite red wine. It all started when Leo came to pick me up from the Tastefully Simple party I went to. I had caught a ride with his sister earlier, and the plan had been to grab a bite to eat afterwards. We went to a Spanish Tapas restaurant in the city which happened to be BYOB. Leo went to the liquor store across the street to buy a bottle of wine to go along with our dinner. I hadn't eaten much during the day because I figured I would be snacking at the party and I knew we had a date afterwards. I love tapas, but they are not too filling since they are appetizers meant to be shared. They were so tasty and went well with the wine perfectly. We had such a nice time and I felt myself get a little tipsy as we polished off an entire bottle of wine which hasn't happened in a long while! Leo wasn't complaining. We started discussing ttwd. I was gutsy, in fact I had no idea what on earth got into me....oh yeah, it was the wine! lol. I told him how I really needed him to step up and be more strict with me. He was intrigued. He asked me questions, and I answered them under the influence without much filter.

After finishing dinner, Leo had a brilliant idea of stopping to pick up another bottle of wine on the way home. I think he was thrilled to see me so flirty and relaxed, both feelings I haven't had in a while! I told him he was an "enabler" and that he was just trying to get me drunk so he could do all kinds of sexy things to me. He said, "so what if I am" in a amused voice. Thinking back to what I told I wanted him to do regarding spankings would have seemed like topping from the bottom if I had told him while I was sober. Lucky for me, I think that it was the wine that did most of the talking, and that was all Leo fishing for information! I ended up telling him how I longed to be more submissive towards him and how I needed him to be more consistent and I needed to feel a little more nervous around him before and during a spanking to get me to the point I needed to be. Wow! I can't believe I told him that!!! That's crazy of me, because he is totally not a wimpy spanker at all!!! My ass still hurts when I sit down because of his spanking abilities, but it's just that I don't take him as seriously as I should sometimes because he is so easy going and really just wants to make me happy. Sometimes I need him to bring it up a notch to put me in that submissive frame of mind I want to be in for him. This does not necessarily mean that I want him to spank me harder, but I explained to him how I long for him to stir up feelings of nervousness inside me that starts in the pit of my stomach and works it's way down to my toes and then up to other parts of my body. This can be done many ways including making me wait for my spanking, ordering me to get the implements, and using his words to order me exactly how he wants me be positioned etc... Lecturing me between swats really helps me register in my head what I need to improve on and it makes the spanking so effective.

Leo didn't have post-it's, but I saw him processing all of the information that his crazy wife gave him as he continued to pour me more wine....I don't know when the last time I had more then two glasses let alone six or seven! Then he ordered me to take of my pants, leave my panties on and he led me over his knee. He started with a slow but steady rhythm using his hand and then alternated using his belt, the leather paddle and the wood paddle. I was sensitive from the last three spankings I had received, but I was told not to move my hand back or bring up my feet or I would be punished harder. I tried the best I could, and although it hurt and my ass was on fire, I felt all the stress I had been holding onto just melting away. I had been guilty of holding onto some resentment towards Leo from working so much, but that resentment faded and was replaced with submission. Submission towards my husband, the man who works so hard for our family and who tries with every ounce of his being to do whatever it takes to make us happy. All I wanted to do was to submit to him and please him, and that is exactly what I did. The passion that was stirred up was amazing!

Right, wrong, or obsessive, I am completely and utterly addicted to my husband. I have done a good job of taking care of myself and getting reacquainted with some of my passions this week, and one of the outcomes was that the passion between my husband and I was taken to yet another level! I have nothing to hide, no ulterior motives, just the need and the desire to have my husband be our leader and the head of our home. It may take a few glasses of Pinot at times to relax, open up, and communicate, but it sure beats keeping it all in. Life has its' ups and downs, and I certainly have been focusing on the downs when what I need to do is stay focused on the bigger picture. It won't always be easy, but that's life! Next time the going gets tough, I know that it will all look better after a spanking and a glass of wine.

The girl he can "go to war with"

It has been said that there have been times where individuals have demonstrated a rare and extreme act of strength. I have heard stories of bravery where cars have been lifted off someone either by themselves or a loved one. These tales never cease to amaze me. It's hard not to start wonder if I would be as brave if placed in the same situation. I have always imagined I would. Thinking of what i would do if a loved one or one of my children in a life threatening situation is really a no-brainer. I can envision some divine force and supernatural powers rushing through my veins as I heroically rush to save them.

I have always been in awe of cancer patients and people battling life threatening illnesses who never stop fighting so they can beat the odds and survive. I admire their strength and determination, and have thought to myself surely if I were faced with illness, I too would fight and do everything I could imagine to get that second chance.

I think my strong will to fight and survive is part of what Leo liked about me when we met. He half jokingly told me before we were married that he knew we would have a successful marriage because I was the girl he could "go to war with".  And that is exactly who I had been; a take-charge, no excuses, "let's get it done no matter what", "I have everything under-control" type of girl. This attitude has helped me get through a lot over the past years, so you can imagine how upset it has made me feel that I just can't keep up lately. Last week I felt as if I didn't  had the stamina or desire to "fight" per se, and it caused all kinds of anxiety issues to rear its ugly head again. I felt discouraged because  I so wanted to be the girl "he could go to war with", and I just couldn't keep it together.

The thing that almost put me over the edge was that I had a terrible nightmare.  I dreamed that I was driving home from church with the kids and I lost control of the car and accidentally drove it into a lake. This dream has disturbed me on so many levels because in my dream I was on the phone with Leo as it was happening, and I could not save myself or the children. I started screaming and sobbing in my sleep, and Leo had to shake me to wake me up. This nightmare haunted me all of last week and into the weekend.  I had a hard time falling asleep for a few nights because I was terrified of having the same dream again.  I have had a hard time driving because I get nervous and the anxiety kicks in. I can't drive past a lake because I start to get sweaty palms.  This dream I described to Leo worries him. He mentioned that if the feelings continued, we should look into getting a prescription for an anti-depressant and possibly speak with a therapist.  I am not sure about this.  I think I would feel very weak if I went this route, but I am really being effected with all of the highs and lows I have been feeling lately.

Before Monday, it had been twenty-eight days since we have had a day off as an entire family.  I know that this played into a lot of why I felt like I was losing control last week. Although we still had family dinners and fell asleep together at night, the past month was tough because we were just basically passing each other by to and from work every day.  Our home life had been minimized to getting food on the table and the kids cleaned and put to bed.

 Finally Monday and Tuesday we all had off together since the kids and I are on Spring Break.  We were determined to suck as much quality time as we could out of those two days.  We went ice skating, had lunch with the kids in a quaint little town where we fed the ducks and bought all kinds of sweets at the well known confectionary.  We also went for coffee and sweets the next day and took the kids to Gameworks (an entertainment place).  We went out to eat, and came home and watched movies and played games.  Suddenly, it felt as if we all went through "group therapy" and had a "spa weekend away".  It amazed me at how much I treasured that time.  Although it was only forty-eight hours, the typical weekend, it was so incredibly sweet because we cherished the little time we had together and did not waste any petty time fighting or in and power struggles that used to happen occasionally in the past.  In addition, my parents were able to take the kids one afternoon for me while Leo had to work, and I got my nails done and had a relaxing lunch by myself at a quiet sushi restaurant.  I felt nourished and I slowly started gaining back my sanity.  Leo and I sat down with the calendar and marked a couple days here and there during the next few months where we are going to call in sick or take a personal day so that we can maintain that time we need as a couple and as a family.  Twenty-eight days cannot happen again.  We agreed that it effected both of us as well as the kids.  I am comforted knowing that our family is a priority and we are determined to make it work. 

If you have been wondering, yes there have been some spankings lately.  Leo having to work has created some resentment in me.  Although he doesn't have control over the situation, I still have been less then respectful towards him and somewhat sarcastic.  My sarcasm caused me to say some pretty mean things.  I guess I didn't realize how much the little things can add up and cause hurt in a relationship.  Our baby is the most laid-back baby in the world.  He eats, sleeps, and observes everything around him, but he hates when we try to get him to crawl or play too much during tummy time.  He is the complete opposite of our older son who is just a ball of energy from the time he wakes up till he goes to sleep.  It's nice to have such a carefree baby, but yesterday I was "talking" to the baby as he was refusing to crawl, and I told him that he was so lazy like his daddy.  I think I saw flames come out of Leo's ears.  "I'm not lazy! You are being very disrespectful towards me!" he informed me in an angry voice.  I knew that I was going to pay for that comment later.  As I thought about it, Leo was right to be angry at me.  He is not lazy, maybe laid back, but definitely not lazy.  Leo works hard, helps me so much around the house and with the kids, he makes breakfast for the family just about everyday.  I knew that I have to be more careful with my words.  I apologized later to him and told him how that comment came out so wrong.  I did get a spanking last night.  Part of me did not want it, I tried talking him out of it, but he and I both knew that I needed it.  It hurt, but as always, I felt much better afterwards.

 Leo assured me that he loves me, and will always take care of me, and he will not let my anxiety get out of control.  I know I married such a wonderful man.  A man who puts everyone first before himself.  A man who won't give up and will be strong when the going gets tough.  I am so in love with this man.  I know he deserves a wife who does the same.  I have realized that my peace has to be a priority in order to stay strong for my husband and my family.  I have decided to use the next few months to focus on things that really matter and to strive to better myself.  I have realized that I neglected a lot of things I used to love to do.  I love making jewelry, but haven't been able to find the time, so yesterday I went to the craft store and bought some beads.  I think I will make a pair of earrings today.  I haven't gone to my step and zumba class since before I was pregnant, working out is on my to-do list.  I've been putting off seeing a couple of girlfriends so I am going to a lia sophia party Friday, a tastefully simple party Saturday, and out to lunch on Sunday with my old college roommate.  I am excited about a bible study that I have started.  I know that with His help I can conquer my anxieties and live my life to serve him, my family, and others.  I hope by reorganizing some of my priorities,  I can continue to be the the wife my husband "can go to war with". I am going to try with all my strength to be the girl that my husband and family needs.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall.....

Since Leo broke the news to me that he has to work every single weekend for the next three to four months, I have been devastated beyond belief.  My world as I know it has come crashing down and I am left alone to pick up the pieces.  Overly dramatic? Maybe.  But one thing is for sure, I don't know how to be on my own anymore, and God only knows that I have no desire to be. I feel so lost without Leo.  Life has stuck my face into this huge mirror and has showed me how dependent I am on this man. Throughout our whole relationship and marriage, we have been apart only one day and that was due to him having to fly to Texas to take his medical boards. What comforts me somewhat, is knowing that he feels the same way. I know he'd rather be home with me and our family.  He has turned down invitations after work and other activities to rush home and be with his wife and kids.  I count my blessings, because I am so very lucky I have married such a good man. I have met so many men and women who constantly go out without their spouses, take separate vacations, and when at home are never together in the same room.  We cannot comprehend this at all. Why on earth would anyone use the little vacation days they may have to be away from their significant other? Leo and I joke that we are addicted to each other, worse then any drug addiction one can have.  It's kind of crazy.  Don't get me wrong, the occasional girl's/guy's night out or weekend is understandable, but I could never picture spending so much time away from Leo.  Ironically, we have been forced to go through our work days and weekends separately. 

 A few months is not an eternity, so why can't I just put a smile on and be the supportive wife that I know I should be? Time apart has really triggered a lot of insecurities that I rather not deal with.  I really try to make the best of this whole situation, but truth be told I feel very lonely. I am surrounded by my children and family and I am holding on tight with my relationship with God, but I still feel like I isolate myself from everyone but Leo, although now that he is gone so much, I can feel those walls coming back up.  I keep myself busy by trying to make Leo's  and my life as easy as possible during this hectic time.  I feel fulfilled taking care of my family, so all the clothes have been clean, I try to make our home as orderly and pleasant as possible, and I have been trying to cook all the meals for the week ahead of time.  On the weekends I can't relax because I know that Leo has to work, so I get up with him, have breakfast with him and start my day.  I know that part of the reason I keep myself so busy is to try to keep my mind off of what is bothering me.  If I sit, I worry....so I keep moving all day long.  By the end of the day I am exhausted.

 I know that I need to relax.  I feel sad when I stop at the coffee shop and observe other women bonding and having a girl's afternoon out.  I have friends.  A lot of them have moved away or are in a different place in their lives, but I ask myself why don't I make more of an effort with the friends I have? Why don't I make more of an effort to try to make new friends?  I am terrible at keeping in touch with people.  I have felt so fulfilled and busy with my husband and kids that I have pushed this need I have for friendships away.  I guess part of the reason has been that I can't relate to a lot of the friends I had in college or earlier in my life.  A lot of them are the ones who are so disrespectful to their husbands, don't like to be around one another and are constantly taking separate vacations.  I have a hard time relating or wanting to be around them because I love my husband so much and I would never say one bad word about him, so it's hard for me to sit and "husband bash".   I am starting to realize that maybe I do need to make more of an effort in this area of my life.  

The old saying; absence makes the heart grow fonder, is just not true in my case.  For me, absence makes the heart feel lonely; insecure; sad; and lost.  For Leo, the saying holds up. He has worked the past three weekends in a row, and has come home needing me emotionally and physically.  Especially physically.  It is a good feeling knowing that your husband wants you all of the time.  The extra attention is good if you know what I mean, but as hard as we are both trying, I can't seem to get my libido up to his level.  It's upsetting because I have NEVER had problems in this area before. If anything, I wanted to be physical just as much or more then him.  I guess it's hard for me to have that connection when our schedules can't seem to fall in place.  I am really trying.  Leo has stepped it up with ttwd, but the few spankings that I did receive, didn't help me the way I wanted them to. Yes, they got the juices flowing, but I still feel  all over the place emotionally.  I think Leo was hoping that ttwd would be the tool he needs to snap me out of this.  I guess it has helped a little, but why do I still feel so lost?

I know that this will pass.  I hope that a few months from now when I look back on this post, I will be in a better place and appreciate and cherish the time I will be able to spend with my husband.  Although it feels hard to do, I am really going to try to hold it together and try to make this less hard on everyone.  I feel ashamed to think that I have magnified my problems when there are people in the world who are going through massive devastation because of the Tsunami and other terrible things that make my problem seem so ridiculous.  I have to remind myself that the world is bigger then I am, and change my perspective fast to appreciate all the good things I do have in my life.   

Tough winter....(by Leo)

It has been a really long time since I have written anything for the blog, what can I say, life happens. I was recently informed that my job obligations would require me to work every single weekend from now till the summer.

For those of you who do not live in the Midwest, let me explain the connotations that such news carries. By now, winter has had us in it’s cold grip, months and months of lounging around at the house with nothing but shades of gray coming in through the windows have left everyone with a bad case of cabin fever. We try to adapt to our cold reality by trying to remain active and engaged by bringing activities indoors, or bundling up and going outdoors to brave the elements, but truth be told, the only thing that keeps me and Judy ticking is thinking about all the fun we will have when warmer temperatures finally decide to show their face. It's been a tough winter. Not the toughest, but with all the changes (new jobs, new baby, new schedules) it’s been pretty challenging. As it was, I was only able to spend quality time with all family members twice a month, with the new deal, it remains uncertain if our schedules will ever coincide so that we can all hang out like any normal family does.

Needless to say, Judy has been devastated by the news. It was bad enough going from being a stay at home mom to a full time teacher, but now she finds out that she will have to finish the school year without getting weekends to reconnect with her husband. And Judy is not just any teacher, she’s in charge of 17 little monkeys that would be enough to drive the most patient zookeeper insane.

Less Leo time = less TTWD time. And we all know what that means. It’s not that we’ve been having fights, it’s just that things have been said , gestures have been made, and comments have been misinterpreted. It’s been tense and it’s all stemmed from frustration.

Boy, I just re-read what I’ve written on the post and to tell you the truth it kinda depressed me a little bit. Screw it all!!! I will make amends to this, I will make it right! I will reach deep into my HOH bag of tricks and I will reset the course of this TTWD relationship. Whenever Judy and I reconnect, I feel I have my Judy back, the love of my life, my girl, my wife and my occasional partner in crime. She is truly my everything. I will not let our circumstances get the best of us. I will keep the TTWD dream alive!!! Somewhere in a suburban classroom a pair of rosy cheeks are oblivious to the fact that they will soon be recalled to active duty.